Meaningless sex....

bear with me, no fucking clue where I'm going with this one....

and for the prudish out there, you're probably going to want to skip this....

I connected with my first lover just a few days before I had my first real day with my ex, slept with two new people in the span of five days, something very new for me coming from a life of monogamy and long term relationships. I even had an experience with both of them one night halfway through the relationship, and it was amazing, not to mention the two more hours of great sex when my ex and I got back to his place, spurred by the lust that had pervaded the evening.

Taking on lovers while in a relationship can truly be a beautiful thing, hope I get to experience again at one point

I picked up another one two days after getting dumped, opened the door to a friend who I knew was interested in me, I was correct, and the tantric experience occurred.

The week after, at a birthday party, I pick up a cute queer couple (both boys) and have played with one so far with a date set for the two of them soon. Met another couple (boy/girl this time) who want to explore.

The week after had a threesome with my first lover and another girlfriend of his

Chatting on OKC with another two potentials

a good female friend and I keep meaning to explore but circumstances keep fucking it up

Spending a lot of time talking with a great guy online who lives 3000km away, if he were here, he would join the ranks... or maybe be brought to the front of the ranks, impossible to say, but it's something I think of....

all wonderful experiences to be certain, and I'm looking forward to repeating them and furthering all of these explorations

and while I am enjoying myself

I do feel empty sometimes about it all, almost ambivalent..... I'm finally exploring sexuality like I should have twenty years ago, which is a great thing, but it does fixate in my mind what I don't have.... a steady partner.... someone to cuddle with all the time, as opposed to from time to time

also, the fact that I can find friends with benefits fairly easily also reminds me that finding an actual date is not the same thing..... in reality.... I've only had one real date since transition which was with my ex, and which turned into a real relationship almost immediately..... I also haven't been turning people down either

dating while trans..... ugh

so what am I getting from my lovers?, what needs are being met?, or what is it all distracting me from?..... how healthy is it?

why do I often leave a session with a feeling of missing out on something

what am I really searching for?

the sex is always great, while we're playing, no matter what the play happens to be, I am *into* it, I'm not distracted, I'm loving it. It's on the way home afterwards where that feeling of being left wanting creeps in, as if this isn't really what I want.... I do want it, but it's like its missing the mark somewhere.....

prior to this year I've only had sex with people I loved, and who loved me in return, so there is a definite connection in my soul between physical intimacy and love. The aforementioned threesome with my ex was incredibly satisfying, the most satisfying out of any of my dalliances, probably because my needs for love were already taken care of, and I had satisfied my need for exploration.

but now, even if its with someone that I do genuinely care about and feel comfortable with, that need for love is not being satisfied, I still have that hole in me looking to be filled..... and since I never take as a lover someone who I could actually see myself dating seriously.... there is no chance of that hole being filled with these people who I occasionally share my (and their) bed with.

I've written already on that hole, and how I believe that you need to be able to fill that hole with love for yourself, you can't depend on someone else to do it....

was I wrong?, is it possible to give yourself that?, or am I just in a darker place right now than I was then, it does feel that way, so much going on and I'm stressing out over my life and all the choices I need to be making right now (job, future, money, etc) and I am falling into a procrastination routine, getting scared...

all I know is that when that hole is filled, anything is possible and things are worth fighting for, when it is empty, nothing seems truly worthwhile, as if everything is a distraction

and he is still invading my thoughts non stop, almost like it's getting worse instead of better.... fucking hell....

but it's human to want to be loved, to want to be wanted, to want to have that special someone who you can let into your heart completely, and they can let you into theirs.... does it have to be about filling some need that you are *supposed* to be able to fill yourself?, can someone really fill that themselves?

more thought.... and more meaningless sex.... is required

I've confused myself

The Future

is almost here

house needs to be up on the market in 5 weeks time, some work to do on it, nothing dreadful thankfully

the condo needs to be tweaked, a few fixes, lots of paint, some shelving and storage

a few things to buy, a lot to sell

......

I've moved a number of times since I've been on my own, and there have been a number of things that I've been lugging with me for almost fifteen years now. Memories, movies (couple hundred), books (even more), old gaming systems (why???), all things that I used to define myself by. I won't be able to bring most of it with me this time

and I'm really OK with that... all I feel I need are my clothes, hoops and staves, instruments, and music. The only reason I even need the Xbox is for Rocksmith which is really helping me re-learn the bass and guitar, but even that will lose its necessity soon.

OK or not, it's still scary

I'll have a decent chunk of change in my pocket, and a very cheap place to live in for at least a year, and for the first time in my life I'll have no debt, no *need* to maintain my type of income. If I had two years in the condo, I would probably be able to live there without working for that whole period of time

and this gives me a new freedom in my life which I've never had before, the freedom to actually do what I want

exhilarating, and terrifying at the same time

........

I've never been paid well at the company that I work, yes the work is interesting and I learn a lot, but comparatively the pay sucks. I got fed up this year, and threatened HR with a pay-me-more-NOW-or-lose-me, still waiting to hear if anything will be done about that or if I'm just going to be ignored again, but even if they give me what I want, bump my pay by 15%, maybe a new title, is that what I really want?.... will it magically make me happy here?

I know that I don't want to be in this building for the next thirty years, doing the same stuff, putting up with the same shit. For a while now, I've had the same thought about my entire industry (engineering by the way). We don't really do anything useful except for making old rich white men richer.

So if they give me what I'm demanding, will I even bother staying?, maybe a few extra months to rack up some more coin, but that means missing my summer, and the thought of having a summer off, oh my, what a wonderful thought....

am I just going to walk away?, from here, from the entire industry?, flush my degree down the toilet?

do I have the strength to do it, and actually go after something I want?

but what do I want?

that's always a tricky one....

.......

People ask me why do I want to leave the industry.

At the root of it, I don't feel like I'm doing anything useful or meaningful with my life, and as I age, this is becoming more and more important. Sometimes I get that satisfaction that I crave by helping others deal with issues, by putting on my healer mantle, listening to people in need, guiding them to new possibilities, new perceptions of their situation, but the next day I'm back in a cubicle farm, feeling stifled, feeling held back.

I never look forward to going to work.... ever.... and that sucks.... getting up each day to go in is a chore.... I skip out early often out of sheer boredom or frustration..... which means that I have to make up hours on the weekend which just means that I spend less of my time doing what I want. I'm not motivated enough to even do my eight hours, and as a punishment I have to force that same motivation on days when I'm supposed to be taking care of myself, which makes everything even shittier.

Ugh.....

.......

If I become a therapist, or social worker, or whatever, will I be able to easily get up in the morning looking forward to doing what I'm being paid to do?. That is a huge question that is on my mind.

If I jump in with both feet, will it be worth it in the long run?, or will I end up in the same place that I am now?, always bored, looking for something new, looking for a distraction....

Is the problem really what I do?, or is it this environment that I've been stagnating in for thirteen years? (not like the company I worked at as an intern during University was any better), or is it my perception of things?.

Every now and then I do enjoy my work, and I leave the building feeling satisfied, but it's always due to overcoming some huge obstacle, fixing some nefarious bug that has been causing us problems. It makes me feel like I've spent my time productively.... am I chasing a pipe dream wanting that feeling every day?.... am I being greedy?

but even the day after that I have a good day, I still don't want to get up. The only time that I feel driven for an extended period of time is when I'm in the field, because out there *everything* that I do is useful, is appreciated, and of course, being and working somewhere strange is one hell of a distraction.... but after a couple weeks of being out there, it starts to lose its magic, lose its appeal, and I just long to leave....

I'm very worried that after a few weeks of being a therapist I'll start to feel the same way.... after dumping my old life, my old degree, my old home.... sure I could get back into the engineering game, but finding a good job in this world as a trans woman?.... not really looking forward to trying that

......

I tell myself that I had the same fears when I decided to transition, and this type of life change that I'm contemplating now is just as big of a transition. I was scared that Dawn would be just as miserable as he was, that I would come to the conclusion that changing genders wasn't what I actually needed....

thankfully, in that regard, I have nothing to regret.... a scary plunge for sure, but one that I know was the right thing to do....

and I'm one of those people that isn't 100% sure of anything at all, this is probably the only decision that I've made in my life which I have no doubt about....

fear is holding me back here, lack of that constant paycheck, loss of private medical insurance, but its not like I'll be destitute or anything, just I'll have to be careful, and not sit there and let life go by, I need to get up and go after something, anything, either becoming a therapist, or upping my skills and knowledge in the game that I'm already in.... something else I've never really done, which is going to make finding a new engineering job for this trans woman even tougher

I'll need a job at one point

.......

What to do..... ?

......

What do I want?

Parallels....

Synchronicity made all the connections.... but is there such a thing even?.... is it simply the human urge to find patterns out of chaos in the end?.... maybe, but does that make it less real?, ultimately we create our realities in which we exist.

When I broke up with Becca I still wanted to maintain a connection, a possible friendship.

When he broke up with me, he claimed the same thing

She could not, would not, was not able to

Neither was I, or should I say, am I; In fact, last week while talking with the one mutual friend we have (the one who started it all), when this was brought up, I cried, something I hadn't done for a good couple weeks at that point. It surprised me.

At the time when I was trying to maintain a contact with her, I didn't realize how much those attempts hurt her, and why she needed to break all little lines of contact, FB, android games, etc

Yet now I understand, as I had to do the same thing, and I felt the hurt at the attempts put towards me

I still maintain guilt over what Becca went through... from what I understand he feels sorry and guilty for the hurt that I'm going through....

I saw our split as necessary, transition or not, she did not, even though she is the one who ended it in reality, if I hadn't started my meds she would have hung on, even though I knew it wasn't the right fit for me, old me, or new me.... he realized the same thing

A couple weeks ago, the Saturday after my break up, on the way to see a buddy, Becca and I crossed paths.... well.... drove by each other. But as I along with a family of four with two little ones were blocking the road, she was pulled over waiting to pass, and saw me far before I noticed her. As we drove past each other, I looked at her, she kept her eyes straight on the road. She looked the same way she did the last time I saw her, on D day, stone faced, pained, hurt in her eyes. My guilt returned, sadness for her, for what I 'did' to her. She has to let go of all of that to be able to really move on.

While exploring my new neighborhood today, walking on St Denis, I see him up ahead of me, coming towards me. I can never be 100% certain that it was him, it's cold, everyone is bundled up, I haven't seen him shaved since the end of December, and he was wearing sunglasses, but I'm so sure it was. The jacket, the glasses, brown cords, satchel, ambling gait, hunched over, all right for him, and once I made the decision that yes, this was him, I just put my eyes to the sidewalk in front of me and kept going. I don't know if he looked at me, or turned towards me, after that decision, I never actually saw him again, I just heard him pass and knew that I could lift my head. I wanted to turn back and look, to make sure, to see him once again, but I didn't. I kept going. This was my neighborhood now.

And as I walked, I decided to visit my tree and see how long it would take me to get to my new place from there. So I did. And walking down Mont Royal, a street that prior to dating him, I had walked maybe three times in the past 20 years, I began to make it my own. I had walked this street with him, or because I was at his place while he was out, countless times, and in my heart it had become our area, the park was mine, but this corner, this chunk of the city, was ours. Today I began to smile as I walked it, spent some time in a used CD store and picked up four albums surprisingly (I never find anything in these places usually), made that place mine, turned his corner heading towards the park, and remembered all the times I had gotten smokes at the dep on his corner, and how on the other corner is the closest branch of my bank so I'll be going there often, and I smiled. I got to my tree and instead of resting against it like I had planned, I took pictures, finding different angles to show different aspects of my tree, here and there, it was fun. I timed my walk back, somewhat apprehensive at the idea of running into him again, but it didn't happen, and it turns out it took me 19 minutes to get one block away from the condo. Not bad, I'll be getting my exercise this year, and I need a non leather purse so I don't have to care about that when I walk back in the rain.

So the neighborhood that was ours, will slowly, day by day, walk by walk, become simply mine. Sure it's his as well, and will remain to be so until the day he moves away, but it's mine as well.

While this neighborhood that I currently am living in isn't Becca's, in that she doesn't live here, it was definitely ours. By the time I had bought the house, Becca and I were serious, and for me it was almost ours the entire time that I've been here minus the past year. Since her cousins still live across the street and I don't see moving any time soon, she will continue to spend time here. I hope she can remove me from the equation of this neighborhood, so it's just her cousins place, not my old place, or our old place.

What I've gone through due to my ex, has been awful, and can still be difficult, yet it was a short and passionate relationship. I can only imagine what Becca is going through, or hopefully, has completed going through

I got it from both directions, and it sucks, but you know what, it's not going to hold me back anymore

Love is worth it

Still angry it seems.....

This is going to be more of a rant than anything....

Yes I'm doing good overall, no I'm not terribly worried about not finding a new partner in the long run, and no, I'm not interested in doing any serious dating right now, more interested in doing some serious fucking

but he still jumps into my head too goddamned often

I can't even enjoy some personal sexual time without him popping into my head and fucking it all up, and with the cold that I got nailed with last week, I haven't had any intimacy in going on 3 weeks. The tantric experience, while wonderful, didn't scratch that very specific itch, and the kinky party which gave me (and a shit-ton of others) a cold was more of a tease than anything else.....

if he appeared in front of me, I'd fucking bitch-slap him, he deserves it

perhaps he's in my head cause it's his birthday today, and I had wanted to make that day special for him, and I knew the gift I wanted to get him, but I'm no longer part of the picture.... dunno.... but last week was easier than this week has been, and I don't understand why

the relationship only lasted eight or nine weeks for fucks sake, and it ended four weeks ago, why the hell is he still in my head?

a friend told me that it's natural, it was a surprise to me, he blindsided me with his bullshit, and I was completely invested.... I had gotten over my fear of what the relationship could mean in the first couple weeks, and that's when I opened up and started playing seriously, and the piece of shit encouraged it all, helped me open up, helped me stop being worried, all the while he was closing in and freaking out

motherfuckingcocksuckingbitchfucker

the prick held my face between his hands, looked into my soul, and told me to "have faith in this relationship". I think that was the moment I seriously fell for him and went all in. A week later when I was curled up on his lap and said "yeah, this still feels right", he laughed and said "why wouldn't it?"... see, on our second date at his place, he was curled up in my lap and said those words first, "this all feels so right"

words have power ....

I kept listening to the words, and ignoring the actions which told me otherwise

.... fucking fool I was

but how do I avoid this next time?, being led on, being taken for a fool, not being swept away by the pretty words and loving actions all the while accepting their faults and their humanity.... and the thing is, I love the romance, the words, the actions, all of that means so much to me, I don't want to lock my heart down and ignore them or make those things meaningless.

how does one still thrill at love and lust and discovery while keeping themselves safe?.... how does one leave themselves open to be swept away without being swept into the garbage?

I refuse to lock my heart down

just means it's going to keep getting broken and hurt

but at least I'll feel the joy as well

I've been asked on more than one occasion, "do you actually know any truly happy people?, without fear, anxiety, doubt". My first answer is always no, then I think about it, and yes, I do think I know people like this, but when I look at their lives, they seem dead, dull, empty. Just pieces of a machine trudging through life with a smile on their faces as if it was put there by chemical means, or too stupid to know any different. A smile that seems to mean nothing.... less than nothing....

I'll take the extreme emotions any day over that emptiness

the risks are worth it

I met my Dad

I tried to tell him in person that I was trans during christmas evening 2012, I never see him very often or regularly, and it had been on my mind for a while, especially that I was quite sure transition was a sure thing at that point, and I knew he had to be told before I showed up at his girlfriends place wearing makeup, but I choked, couldn't do it.

So I outed myself to him electronically a week or three later, in Jan 2013, and while I don't have the email anymore, I remember writing that yes, transition was certain, I just wasn't sure when it would start. After a quick back and forth, he pretty much threw his hands up and said "I want nothing to do with you anymore"

great....

My transition began, my marriage ended, and during last year I sent him two emails, one in July after my social transition had occurred, and one a few months later, mid September I think, just keeping him up to date with where I was in life, how I was doing, and the freedom that I now felt. The first went completely unanswered, the second, answered poorly and maliciously.

I heard through the grapevine that if his girlfriend, or my sister, tried to talk to him about me, he would shut down, become an asshole, give people the silent treatment. Lashing out.

not the actions of someone that is angry.... but afraid

He owns a condo that my sister had been living in for the past ... shit... almost ten years I guess?. She recently moved across the country, and as I'm about to put my house on the market, I'll need a place to stay. Long story short, through words transmitted through his girlfriend, he again ignored the words in an email I sent him at the same time, and offered me the place to stay. Another quick back and forth and I accepted.

which of course means I'll meet him.... kind of a long way around for this happen, but whatever, I'll take it

so it happened

first look was somewhat surprised, incredulous, not in a bad way, just a "goddamn, well look at that, sheesh". Idle chitchat was the name of the evening, I mentioned aspects of my transition from time to time, and while I was more talking to her, he listened attentively, he screwed up my name and pronouns most of the time, but usually remembered to correct himself (on the name at least, pronouns take longer with parents), so I can't really complain about that. All in all though, who I now was was not quite the elephant in the room, as there didn't feel to be much tension, but at the same time, my new gender wasn't really mentioned.

the drinks kept pouring, more him than me, a levee was cracking

while discussing the ability to see a problem rationally, and talk to yourself about it, in order to solve serious problems, I reminded him of his inability to do so with me. It had been since Christmas 2012 since we had seen each other last, and within moments, the flood gates opened

What was said is private

just know it was good

I, in all honesty, don't recall the last time he told me he loved me or even hugged me. Both occurred many many times last night.

and it felt good

I have a dad again

and I just really cried about this for the first time, I knew it had to sink in a bit

love to all