over

So, I got divorced today...

It was cold, sterile, the waiting room where I went over what was going to be said, the building itself, cold, heartless.

We went through the ritual, stating our identities, why we were here

what she wanted

it didn't take very long in all honesty, a few questions, a few words from Becca explaining why this needed to end

I don't need to write down the words, I'll remember them, how she looked

Plus, that isn't for the public

she went through another great loss just yesterday, and it put things in perspective for me a bit. She is going through so much more than I am right now, this whole thing, it weighs heavier on her. I kept myself calm and soft today, not cold and emotionless, I don't think I would have been able to pull that off, but just tried to keep calm without being happy, you know what I mean.

so I cried on the way home afterwards after I remembered what she looked like on our wedding day.

a girlfriend of mine came with me today, spent the night with me last night, just to be there, she made it bearable. I would have driven myself insane last night if I had stayed alone, probably not even made it in in time.

she has never met Becca, and didn't get to see what she looked like today either, so I was describing her, and that got me thinking, and tearing up, fuck it, I'm allowed to be sad as well

so yeah, my relationship with my ex wife was officially dissolved by a Canadian court of law, that's fucked up, what do they have to do with anything?

I guess I'm still angry a bit

a door closes

take care of yourself Rebecca

love you

the D word

when I tell people I'm going to be divorced by the end of the week, a lot of them, over half, are happy and congratulatory, some have tried to high five me

and for whatever reason, it stings, it really hurts

yes it has to happen, I guess the earlier the better in some ways, not like there was any hope of reconciliation, and even if there was, I don't want us back, I know it wouldn't work, the people that fell in love with each other no longer exist.... on my side literally

but it makes me sad, really sad, this among other things has kept me holding back tears the past couple of days

no one gets married to get divorced....

Becca and I haven't spoken since the house inspection a few months back now, haven't seen each other. No news, no idea

I do hope she's doing OK

and growing

I've come a long way, and I am doing good, and I have wonderful people around me, supporting me

I was asked today if I was feeling lonely and unloved..... despite the glaring evidence to the contrary.... hehehe.... it's true, I've never had this many open, and positive people around me before in my life

while I've been lucky enough to have all these awesome experiences, it's also been keeping me quite distracted... maybe I haven't dealt with all my loss fully yet

I got married just three short years ago, a beautiful day in all respects, full of hope

and in four short days it'll be officially over, even though its been over for some time now

but there is something final about being in a court isn't there?

I'm not looking forward to this

words have power

what

do

you

want

?

.

Stitches of Time

all paraphrasing of course, unless I'm not, but it's not important, what is key is the message within. These are all blessings that I've been given this year, maybe to me, maybe I've been given the gift to say them, maybe I simply heard them

"I've never experienced anything like this my entire life, and you've all been part of it, thank you"

"my god you're beautiful"

"you know, ever since the festival, actually, ever since I've met all of you, I just feel so much more positive about ... well ... about everything actually"

"you've been Dawn for months now regardless of what you've been wearing. Superman is still superman even when he's not wearing his cape"

"tonight, this weekend, I met the real you, I'm looking at her right now"

"don't give up, you can have the life you want, I don't want to see you married, fat and unhappy, haven given up. That's not for you, promise me that"

"just live, just be"

"I remember looking at the two of you this morning, him with his coffee and wild beard, you in your bikini top, taping hoops, at your home, after we all just had such a beautiful experience together the night before, and I ask myself, is this even real?, do these beautiful people that I've just met but feel so close to, are they real?, do they actually exist?, can people live this way?. When I'm at work, and I think about my new life, it's as if its happening to someone else, it's so beautiful that it can't be real..... can it?"

"you're so calm now"

"take my hand... breathe.... it'll be ok"

"I've been watching you these past couple of days, and I just needed to say... thank you... my god thank you.... you are so comfortable in your own skin, you have such a beautiful energy coming from you, just the way that you dance makes people around you smile.... thank you for being here and giving yourself to us"

"there is something about you, I've always had this easy connection to you and felt safe, and I want to share with you, but I'm scared.... "

"She was beautiful, but not like those girls in the magazines. She was beautiful, for the way she thought. She was beautiful, for that sparkle in her eyes when she talked about something she loved. She was beautiful, for her ability to make other people smile even when she was sad. No, she wasn't beautiful for something as temporary as her looks. She was beautiful, deep down to her soul"

"This is Dawn, I just met her a few hours ago, but we shared something beautiful and magical together"

"I was thinking the other day about all the people who have newly come into my life, and I just wanted to let you know that I'm really happy to know you. I'm not often on fb, but seeing you here makes me smile. Thanks for your positive energy!"

"You, this, all of it, are Montreal for me, and I'll be back"

"You are so comfortable in your own skin, that everyone around you has no choice but to be comfortable as well"

"... you should talk and share yourself, you have a gift...."

"You guys go ahead, I'm good here"

"I had such a beautiful day, that it couldn't get any better, until it did"

"I normally find it so hard to talk about this stuff....but with you... it's so easy, I want to share, and it feels so good"

"I've missed holding you"

"Welcome to the tribe"

"You're without a doubt the most interesting person I've met here, I keep looking out for you wanting to chat some more"

"thank you for our challenges, thank you for all the difficult choices we've had to make and all the obstacles that we've had to overcome, thank you for making us who we are"

"it's all about sharing, giving, and love"

"four days later, I met you all, or re-met you as the case happens to be. And somehow, you all became my new family, just as I lost my old one"...... "oh wow, thank you, I feel really close to you as well"

"I'm so glad you came over, I saw you hug everyone else and I was all.... aww.... I want a hug as well"

"One day you'll meet this awesome kid half your age, just out there in the world for the first real time, exploring, and you'll take care of them a bit, and spend time with them, and you're going to find that you get even more out of the meeting than they do. That's all I want, keep yourself open to that in your future, and pay it forward. You're an amazing person"

"Thank you for sharing so much of your time with me while you were here, I think we're going to remember each other for as long as we live even if we never get to see each other again"

"Thank you for being a part of my life"

"You're.... you're... just Dawn"

Loss

Loss can be debilitating, I think most of us know that, and we hide from this potential pain so much that too often, we end up losing everything else around us without even realizing it

think of all of the couples that you know, the ones you know well. How many are truly happy?, the majority?, the minority?.... why do people stay together for so long when they know that they aren't happy, that they aren't right for each other?

why does it seem that for so many people, the ending of a relationship seems to invalidate the entire relationship itself.... as though.... if it doesn't have a happily ever after ending, the entire story was a lie

why can't people allow these relationships to die, naturally, and simply move on, accept that they aren't the same person they were when it all started and instead of judging that, embrace it, and see what else life has to offer.

I've reflected on how I've felt over the past four+ months, yes I've shed my tears, and expressed my rage, but all in all, I've been able to keep my eyes looking forward for the vast majority of the time, and a smile on my face and in my heart. Not something that was easy for me to do in past separations, past ... endings. I held on for too long, that is certain, and it was out of fear of loss, not just of her, but of the entire family, which, in the end, I did lose

but that's OK

I learned some positive things, and I learned some negative things which I now know to avoid in the future instead of embracing, and the fact that I am now moving on is good, I was stagnating there, I had no room to grow, and while the claustrophobia was comfortable, I was never honest within it, I knew it wasn't for me.

like so many of us know that the worlds we embed ourselves into are not really what we want, what we've always dreamed of

and there is nothing wrong with dreaming.....

so many of us dream that common dream, the home, the family, the kids and white picket fence, isolated and safe.... it's the story that has been broadcast into our consciousnesses since we were tiny and sucking on the disney teat.

it's a story I myself wanted for so long, even as a young teen those thoughts were strong in my head... wife.... kids... give them a life that I didn't have... give them love and care, the stuff that I had missed growing up... and that dream kept a hold of me stronger and stronger as my trans-ness reared its head

and I held on to it, to the point of getting married, and at one point, I realized that I only thought I wanted that dream.... the dream was a promise... just like the beer commercials promise you that if you get hammered on their stuff, you'll end up with Playboy models.... it was a promise of happiness, of no longer needing to fight and try and work at being happy

I had drank the kool-aid

how many of you are chasing a false dream....chasing a lie

living a lie

scared of losing the security and peace that you have.... convincing yourself its OK... it's not that bad... so many have it far worse

scared of loss..... scared of being wrong

here is something that may make you feel better, you weren't wrong, for you, at that point, you were right, but maybe since then you've lost sight of who you are, or more specifically, who you are now. You aren't the same person you were before, and that's a wonderful thing, and if its time for you to move on, look back in happiness, realize that not everything was bad, hold onto that, and forge a new path

loss can be debilitating.... but if its gotten to the point where losing something is debilitating.... then maybe you're holding onto that something a little too strongly, and maybe you should be looking for strength from within

Being Visible

I touched upon this in a tangential way on my last post, but another thing that has been on my mind a lot, and also made an impact on my time at this (and the first) festival.

being visibly trans

especially when you're camping in the woods and don't really get to look your best... i.e.

I mentioned in the previous post how a stranger randomly came up to me to tell me that I was beautiful and an inspiration, which is a pretty amazing thing to happen to anyone, but for me lately, it seems to happen a lot....

each time I danced at the circle, I would usually dance with my eyes closed and only open them from time to time. I enjoy feeling the music instead of watching it, yet, I do love to look at the people around me, all of them writhing in their own worlds, enjoying their own experiences. It seemed that at least half the time when I open my eyes to see, I would find other eyes upon me, not just glances, and not anything as rude as stares, but beautiful, happy, smiling faces, watching me in my dance, when our eyes would lock, the smile would get larger and brighter, and our eyes thanked each other

One evening while dancing, a woman I had never seen before appeared before me and told me that she had been watching me, and she simply needed to thank me for being so comfortable in my own skin, for dancing with such abandon and joy, and just for being who I am. That is a pretty amazing thing to be told

people remember you when you're the only visible trans person out there in this community (or at least, the only one that I've seen!). As it turns out, LOTS of people noticed me at the first festival, and when they recognized me, oh the smiles that I received, so beautiful, and those who hadn't seen me before, yes, the first time we lock eyes (I look everyone in the eyes) the eyebrow does occasionally raise as they "figure it out", but the smiles are always soon to follow, and each time we cross paths, the smile is there even before I've seen them

and it's not really because I'm trans, or lucky enough to be pretty while still being visible, it's because the way I now feel about myself shines through no matter what. As one of the prayers around the campfire said, "I'm learning to fall in love with myself". When that line was first spoken, I bristled at it, thinking it selfish and a strange thing to say in that type of environment.... but it's true.... if we can't love ourselves.... we can't truly love others or share that love. We can't bring people up if we aren't already there, and that starts with love and acceptance, of all ones warts as well as ones blessings.

I'm not the only one to be thanked like this at these types of events, or to have these experiences, so please don't think "well I wouldn't be treated that way....".... being visibly different just brings those eyes to you quicker, but when you really do feel that smile inside you, which is there because you truly do love yourself, then no one will be able to ignore it, and you'll see that beautiful things and experiences suddenly start finding you

look someone in the eyes, and smile, and see what happens.... I dare you

Life and Song

A decent amount of time has passed since I last sat down to write. Thoughts and ideas have been bouncing around in the grey matter for a while now, I just haven't had that urge, that need, to get it out on (virtual) paper.

Even now, the urge isn't like it was a few months ago. Life is resuming, a new and beautiful routine is setting in, I have lots of time for myself, and even more time for those who I am currently sharing my life with. Being alone used to terrify me, unnerve me, but now, except for very rare occasions, I relish my own time. Don't get me wrong, I've always liked having time to myself, but only when I knew there was someone special in the next room, or at the end of a phone line, who was thinking of me and would be there for me if I needed, so in those times, I was never truly alone.

But now?, it's actually quite satisfying.... I've been "single" for over 4 months now, and this is when I would always start freaking out.... ohmygodI'malonewhatthefuckdoIdoohmygodohmygodohmygod!!!!!!!!!!!.... but this time it suits me just fine. And that's a pretty cool feeling, to be content with one's self, hopefully readers know what that feels like.

I attended another festival last week, called Open Mind, and like the last one, the name was fairly accurate. At Manifesting Magic, I found confidence, I found strength, I hooped and danced with no shame nor worry at how crappy I actually was at that point with my circles, I spread smiles and love, and found them all reflected back at me. For the first time I had truly felt the magic of being surrounded by love, by smiles, by joy. 

I went to Open Mind expecting more of the same, to play, to dance, to love, and while all of these things happened, and yes they were beautiful, they weren't what made this experience special. 

It was Sunday afternoon, I hadn't really been feeling the vibe yet since we had arrived at the festival, the weather was shit, we were having a hard time keeping track of people, I felt like we had spent too much running around looking for stuff. I took a step back from everyone, and went off on my own, took my own trip. After spending some time meditating around the sacred fire, I returned to camp to prepare for the next few hours, put on some warmer clothes, and there I met our two new room-mates, two lovely girls who we invited into our tent as theirs had fallen apart, and after a few minutes we set off again. 

There was a bonfire burning close to our camp, and we took a moment there to warm ourselves. There was a young man with an acoustic guitar sitting on a log, playing, and a beautiful girl next to him adding her voice to his notes. No words were used, no recognizable song was being played, just music, raw, true, plucked out of the air.

The three of us sat, and listened. The guitarist raised his head, and parting his lips, let out a haunting keening wail, following her somewhat, but it was his own song, as hers was her own song as well. At times they met, others they separated, one occasionally shifting to harmonize with the other. We all sat...... listened.

My two new friends decided to move along, and true to the spirit of the day, I let them go and remained there, surrounded by smiling faces, but still alone.

The singer stood and took her leave, while the guitarist struck up another tune and hummed to himself. The rest of the sitters breaking out into quiet conversation.

Behind my left shoulder, between the guitarist and me, a beautiful voice broke out and took my breath away. He smiled, looked over his shoulder at our new addition, and added his own voice to hers.

I found myself humming, finding my own place between their twisting chorals. My mouth opened from time to time and my voice was heard as well, and maybe it took a minute, or maybe it took an hour, time truly had stopped around that circle, but before I knew it, I was raising my voice, widening my mouth, letting it out, singing like I've never sung before.

As I let myself flow into the music I realized that as I changed my rhythm, sometimes others would follow, I led them, and I let myself be led by the others. At times I dropped into my low male register, something that has terrified me to do ever since transitioning, and I would let the angel to my left bring her voice up keening into the heavens, then she would give me my place and my voice would shift and cry out.

It was beautiful

A drummer joined us, people came and went, adding their song to ours. A beat-boxer decided to kick things up a bit, so our music shifted, bounced, we sang with stars in our eyes, looking at each other, laughing together, sharing something that may only come along once in a lifetime.

We missed the ceremonies that night entirely, we didn't need them, we created our own, more magical than any planned ceremony could be.

The storm hit again, and five of us, the angel, the player, the drummer, myself and another singer ran to the tent, where we laughed, talked briefly about the beauty of what we were creating, then simply continued. 

All in all I think we sang for close to four hours, but as all things must, at one point, it ended. We hugged, we thanked each other, we shared our love, and we took our separate ways after the angel and I said we would meet at the sacred fire.

I returned to the fire and found her already there, usually this is a silent place, but tonight wild animistic prayers were being sung, and the angel was leading them. She spoke briefly of our meeting to the circle, and of the magic we had just shared, and then this circle sang. It was beautiful, but different, as the songs had words and were known, were structured, but unfortunately I didn't know them, and after my back suddenly informed me that I had been sitting on a rock for the past five hours, I took my leave.

And again, was immediately rewarded by running into a friend I hadn't seen all day (one person out of ~1200 people there), and we were able to share our experiences with each other, another blessing.

I continued to the stone circle, the ceremony had long since ended and now was the time for celebration and dance. Not one minute into finding my dance, a hand falls on my shoulder and it is one of our new room-mates, out of everyone there dancing, I stand next to one of the only people I know. We embrace, smile, return to our dance, and right then, off to the edge of the circle, another friend I haven't seen for hours, standing there, smiling and waving at me. Another blessing.

I go see her, and find even more people, all gifts. We share our evenings with each other, enjoying the looks of joy on each others' faces.

I return to the dance floor, and a young stranger comes up to me, and tells me that she has seen me at both festivals now and has always wanted to tell me how beautiful she finds me to be, and how inspired she is by me simply being me. Her friend agrees, we embrace, and they disappear into the night. 

I dance

When my legs had had enough, dancing in rubber boots is one hell of a workout, I reflected on my evening and all the blessings I had received, and decided that it was a pretty good time to call it a night. I thanked the stage, the dancers, the energy, and took my leave.

But as I'm walking down the hill towards our camp area, I hear something familiar, a guitar style that I know, a wailing voice, a high angelic one, a drum. My pace quickens, a smile breaks across my face, there are two people standing at the entrance to the massive tent where they are, watching, listening. I slip between them already in song, already in dance. The guitarist sees me and his voice hits a stunning peak as he welcomes me. My own voice crashing through the heavens, no more fear, no more doubt in myself. We harmonize together, we dance around each other, and we create some of the most beautiful sounds that this world has ever heard.

When it ends, we hold each other tight as a group, then each of us takes time to hold each other individually. We comment on how nothing like this has ever happened, to any of us, in any of our lives (only then do I realize that the angelic voice actually comes from another new singer) and we enjoy each others company for a short while. 

and then it ends

the next day, there was singers and players around the campfire, but my guitarist was nowhere to be seen. I did find the angel, and another singer, and we did sing a bit, but the magic wasn't there, I think it's because I was looking for it, instead of letting it find me, but that's ok, it was still meaningful 

I will never forget that day, and what we shared

the crazy thing?..... I only even know what two of them look like, this all happened at night. I remember two of their names, have found the angel on FB thankfully, but the rest are these dark shadows in my mind with a specific voice (or drum), and shape, but no face, no name

and that's kind of beautiful