Smoking.....

First cigarette I had I was the tender age of 11, a good girl-friend of mine had stolen a pack from somewhere and had hidden it in a shed behind her house. She asked me if I wanted to have a smoke..... and since I was secretly in love with her, well, how could I say no?

We went off to the shed, she pushed aside the hay and straw in the corner of the shed and took out the pack, Export A green, also known as green death back then.

We each lit a cigarette and puffed away at it, not even knowing that you are supposed to inhale, enjoying being all rebellious.

It was her first, and as far as I know, her last cigarette

but for me it was the first of many....

A week after this event, or maybe not even as long as a week, who knows, that was a long time ago.... I got the craving for that flavor, for that scent. I've always loved tobacco, and still do.

I gathered up my change and went off to the gas station which had one of those cigarette dispensing machines and bought myself my first pack. John Player light king size. I remember being fascinated that the longer smokes cost the same as the regular sized ones.... free tobacco!

and I still think that Players light taste like shit

after a few months of smoking, sneaking one before school, when I got home, hiding in the forest at lunch smoking with the other rebels, one of my friends finally said "hey, how come you don't inhale?".... surprised at this, I inhaled the mouthful of smoke I currently was holding.....

.... and almost puked my guts out.... OMG that was harsh!

I threw the pack away, saying wow, this is downright stupid....

.... but a week later I was buying another pack. I missed the taste, the smell, the feeling of power.....

When I was a little kid living in Italy, every Friday my family would go down to the same pizza joint, Mario's Pizzeria (yeah I know, how dreadfully original!). Italian restuarants back then... and for all I know they are still the same.... all followed the same layout. Bar in the front, and restaurant in the back.

anyway, so every Friday we would go to eat. I would wolf down my pizza, bum a few bucks off my dad (or a few thousand Lira as it was back then), run to the bar side of the restaurant, buy myself a cornetto (ice cream cone), flirt with Maria the lovely bar maid, and then play the old school arcade game that they had.

I remember this part of my life very fondly, that restaurant, Maria, the arcade games, all of it are still clear in my mind. Now, the reason I brought this up, is that while I was in there, enjoying my time with Maria and my arcade games, I was always surrounded by the same gang of people hanging out in the bar. Almost all old, almost all men, ALL were smoking, ALL were drinking their espresso or their grappa, and ALL looked so happy, so content to be enjoying their time with their friends, their familiar places, and of course, their tobacco and alcohol.

I decided way back then that I would smoke one day. I associated the smoking with peacefulness, with contentedness, with letting everything go and just enjoying your life. I also told myself back then that once my wife / girlfriend / whatever was pregnant, that I would then stop. Yeah, I made this deal with myself when I was around 7 years old..... I was a weird kid

so, fast forward to my last birthday...

obviously Becca never got pregnant, otherwise you would have all heard about that, but as many of you know, if you are a male to female transsexual like I am, you aren't allowed to smoke. Some doctor's will let you, but it's really not safe. When a young woman takes the birth control pill, they are told that smoking at the same time increases your risks for blood clots. I have the same danger, but since my estrogen is anywhere from 8 to 16 times higher than the amount of estrogen in a birth control pill, my risks are also greatly elevated.

at the time of my last birthday, I wasn't yet 100% sure I would transition, but if I wasn't going to be transitioning (or doing it soon), I knew that quitting smoking would definitely help in Becca and I getting pregnant. So I had two solid reasons to stop, and after a lot of pissing and moaning internally, I decided to use my birthday as a good time to give quitting smoking a shot for the first time...

unlike most smokers I know, I had never wanted to quit in the past, had never attempted quitting. I LOVE smoking, still do

so on December 2nd at 4.05AM (it was a long weekend, lol) I lit my last JPS, which was the brand I smoked the longest when I was young. I didn't even finish the damn thing, tasted terrible and I had smoked enough that night.

after ~24 years of smoking on average 20 cigs a day, I quit cold turkey

first week was easier than I thought, until I randomly punched my computer screen at around 4pm.... I went home early each day that week and finished my hours on the weekend

but after that it was easy, all the connections that I had with cigarettes (with coffee, with alcohol, after food, before bed, etc etc) were in fact the easiest to ignore, and the cravings that I would get would usually surprise me when they arrived, but all in all, it was pretty easy

a month later, Becca and I have a huge fight and I smoke half a cig, it almost makes me throw up, I figured that was it.....

but well, this past week, ever since I got back from Halifax has been pretty hellish. I won't get into it here, I may at one point, but not yet, but suffice it to say, my foundations were rocked pretty hard, stuff I would have never imagined to be possible happened, one after another like domino's, and I had a few puffs of a smoke last Saturday morning...

and another the next day, half a smoke
and the next
the next
again
and
again

I don't even enjoy them when I do smoke, I barely inhale, maybe once or twice per cigarette, the rest is just puffing..... I smell it sure and some is getting into my system in the same way as when you hang out with smokers..... but im not inhaling it, and I'm not even enjoying it

so why can't I simply say no again..... the storm has passed, I see a light, a way out without more darkness, it's not over yet but it's so much better than the week before.... so why I can't I go back to being a solid non smoker

I haven't been hiding what I've been doing, I've told my therapist, friends, just to make sure that this doesn't become a dirty little secret. They understand why I cracked a bit, and they won't give me shit for it (I kinda wish they would honestly, lol)

and now I've told all of you

what do I get out of it?, I still can't really answer that.....

teeheehee

They're groooowwwwiiiinnnnnggggggg.......

AND IT HURTS!

For all guys out there who have knocked into a woman's breasts and ignored their complaints, ESPECIALLY when we were all much younger and the girls around us were still developing....

YOU OWE THE LADIES AN APOLOGY!

seriously, the pain I'm getting, in both sides now (past couple of days it was only righty), feels exactly like I got smacked in the nuts, but the nuts are in my chest, and NO ONE HAS TOUCHED THEM

OMG

boys, you know that feeling of nausea that you get when you get nailed down there?, like your body is trying to close in on itself to protect itself, and you feel like puking...

well...

I'm getting that at random times, and it can last for a couple of hours

men have no clue how physically strong women are... no clue at all

but I get to learn

awesome

Strength

Bear with me, drunk again, heheheh, only 3 martini's, it doesn't take me much





Strength




Before I headed out tonite, I made an account on POF, a clearly "I am not looking for anything serious, just to meet new people, and oh, by the way, I'M A TRANSSEXUAL AT THE VERY BEGINNING OF HER TRANSITION!" account....

I didn't even finish the initial questionnaire before heading out for drinks with a couple guys that I'm travelling with

yet by the time I got back, only 90 minutes later, I already had 6 emails waiting for me.... seriously?... weird, I didn't expect that....

I had even posted on a G+ group that I'm a part of, how the thought of never being able to find anyone interested in me due to my trans status is terrifying, before I had left.

I know that these emails mean fuck all, but at the same time, cool, it's pretty cool that a couple of guys responded to my ad.....

Now, where does STRENGTH come in you ask?

What if I meet one of these people, and we get along, and we enjoy each other sexually.... I will need STRENGTH to know that they are right for me, whether or not we get along, and whether or not they accept me fully..... after all, Becca and I got along great, even though we should have been able to see a while ago that we weren't right for each other....

so much of my vision is clouded by someone accepting me... it was a feeling I had never really known before

so now....

OK, I just reread this for a bit, wondering where I was going....

and yeah

see

the reason that someone accepting me affects me so much, is that I didn't, and maybe to some extent, still don't, actually accept myself

could that be?.... shit, I have had massive changes in my system already, I know the drugs are doing something serious (wonderful) to my system.... could I still not accept myself?

let's face it, I could have put my face on quick quick after working this week... but I didn't.... I used the excuse of being in an unfamiliar place, that the local gay bar is in a ghetto, etc etc etc etc etc

 but in reality?.... bullshit.... I've been to new places presenting full femme before, and it was OK

so yeah..... STRENGTH

accept myself, I must, at all times, and I must love myself, warts, unfeminine hair issues and all..... I must accept myself and love myself fully, before ANYONE can be allowed in

or else I'll use their feelings for me as a substitute for how I feel about myself..... like I've always done..... and when that person becomes upset with me (which of course is natural, as no one can go a lifetime without being upset with their partner, its simply not..... human), I would break down, because I had no real feelings for myself, and I counted upon them 110% to tell me how to feel.

wow, how fucked up is that?

DAWN,  you dumb bitch.... LOVE THYSELF

you told two 50+ year old men about you this week, did anything change?, no. And tonight, I was my femmy self, body language, voice, everything was ME, and one of the dudes at the table (who I've known for 12 years) doesn't even know about me (cause he's kind of a homophobe), and yet, I WAS ME

felt good

STRENGTH

I wonder what I'll think of this post tomorrow... time to pass out, muah!!!!!!!!

I'm drunk

and all I really wanna say is

when your filters are destroyed by substances, whatever substances stops the acting, you can get a glimpse of who you are

I was looking at myself in the mirror.... im on business, so I'm boy'ing it up for sure, but for me that means wearing my boy leather jacket instead of my women's peacoat.... and well.... thats about it

so I'm looking at myself, wearing my 3/4 sleeve top, tights which I always wear cause I removed the CK jeans I was wearing, no makeup, just my growing hair and my earrings and bracelets.....

and I see who I am

and I've never been a boy... no matter what else.... I'VE NEVER BEEN A BOY

that smile which I ran from for years, I can't put it away, even when I cry, and am feeling hopeless, when I see HER in the mirror, I smile

simple as that

I applied my estrogen patch today since it's wednesday, while I was sober mind you, and I couldn't wait to put it on, in fact, I had to stop myself from replacing my patch this morning cause on wednesday's, I replace it in the evening (sunday is morning time)

when I allow myself to be me....

I am me.....

and I see myself, regardless of what I'm wearing, or not wearing, or padded, or not padded, it doesn't matter

I see me

and I smile

I can't help but smile... even when everything else around me is falling apart, and I can't see the future.... I smile

smile

so rare for me that smile

Becca told me she wasn't in love with me anymore on March 27th of this year, a few minutes after I had swallowed my spiro, and applied my patch

and I died, even though I knew, I died inside

and it hurt

and I couldn't say anything for two hours

which if you know me is quite surprising........

but I couldn't

then I left to see a friend, on a flimsy pretense, but I had to go, I had to be happy for me, for what I had accomplished that day, even though MY ENTIRE LIFE AS I KNEW IT WAS ENDING

I sat in the car, put it in reverse, cried, looked at DAWN in the mirror, and smiled

and I felt like SHIT for being allowed to smile

but I did

smile

and even though the tears are daily, and the pain is constant, and I don't know how I can keep going sometimes without everything I've lost

I look at myself, DAWN, in the mirror.... makeup or no.... clothes or no..... I see HER..... I see me

and I smile

love you

Cyclical meanderings pt 2.......

So, one day down, four or five more to go

like I mentioned, I'm out in Halifax right now on business, and for me that means running around a warship fixing and setting up equipment.... yeah, I know. A trans woman working on a warship, this is gonna be interesting after transition....

Flying out here was tough, and as soon as my buddy picked me up at the airport, I told him what was going on with Becca and I, as well as me being trans (50 y/o guy bear in mind). The conversation went well, he is cool with it and very supportive, and it made me feel better that someone out here knew about me.

I really really wanted to call Becca last night, but I didn't. I played a game of scramble against her, sad, but it feels like the best way to have some contact with her

so I called my mom, talked with a good girlfriend online a bit, then settled into bed, trying my hardest not to think that deadly thought..... "what if you can't sleep tonight"

but I did, took me an hour of tossing and turning, and that's with my anti anxiety pill in me, but I slept

and when I woke up at 3 am, I fell right back asleep, so that's definitely positive

I told another of the guys that I'm working with about me today, he didn't even blink, this is a 53 y/o guy..... he told me that what I'm doing, slowly telling people here and there, is a great idea. He worked at a place where a 6'4" guy transitioned into womanhood completely out of the blue, full macho one day, skirts heels and hose the next. It was definitely a shock, but even with that person, after a couple months, everyone had forgotten

Even though I'm more in boy mode than I have been in months, good grief people here are staring at me.... I wonder if I'll get stared at as Dawn, or will I simply vanish.

I keep thinking about Becca

this time last year, we were in Victoria together while I was on business (same job as I'm doing here, just other coast). She came out to visit me for 5 days, which is something we had wanted to do for years with my trips.

It was our last, really, really, good time together....

why were we always fighting?, why were we always so flustered and frustrated with each other?, how can someone love another so much, and be so aggravated with them at the same time?

did we both always know where it would all end up?, were we reacting to an inevitable future?, or were we creating it?

what the fuck happened to us?!...

when did it start to fall apart?, was it before, or after I went back in the closet. Was that the cause, or an effect

Becca once accused me of creating my hernia, and my mono, by being too stressed out. And I think she may have a very valid point. The last time I went out before locking myself away was after the summer of 2008, and I got floored by mono at the beginning of 2009 right after a stressful Xmas. Again, during Xmas time the next year, I get a massive S5-L1 hernia which knocks me out of commission for a couple months.

during all those years, she would ask me, "why don't you dress anymore, you know it makes you happy", but even as she asked, I could see the fear in her eyes. I'd try to actually talk to her about it, and it made her uncomfortable and sad and I would get the deer caught in the headlights stare.

I couldn't forget that even though she supported me, and helped me shop, and helped me learn makeup, and find myself, that each time that she did it, she had a sad look on her face. The corner of her mouth would quiver sometimes. I wasn't used to having someone work on my eyes so when I would flinch, she would get angry at me and frustrated. She tried to wax my back a couple of times and it always ended in red hot anger on her part out of frustration.

and not once was she happy and care free when we went out as girlfriends.... not once. If we met up with people, she would smile, and laugh, and appear to have fun, but the second it was just the two of us, all that dried up and she went back to being quiet, frustrated, angry....

I'd get angry at her for acting that way, then tell myself that I shouldn't be upset, after all, look at all that she is doing for me..... and putting up with......

I don't know where this is going.... fuck it


* post edited for sensitivity

My name

funny, I type "Dawn out" in the last post, and I think of something else I want to talk about

my name

When I was about, oof, 12 maybe?, around there, I had a buddy who had an older sister called Dawn. She was about 16 or 17, tall, blonde, gorgeous, mouthy, attitude, and the funny thing is, even though I went to this guy's house a few times, I only saw the girl once, but the name stuck.

For a long time before I realized what I was, I figured I would name my future daughter the name, there was something special in it, something I wanted to connect with. But, as these things go, as I started to browse on eBay for women's things as a later teen, and place orders, and chat online, I needed a female name to use, and instead of waiting for a child to bless with the name, I gave it to myself.

Around this time, I read, and re-read, a beautiful series of books by Arthur C Clarke, and Gentry Lee, known as the Rama series. The protagonist of books 2, 3 and 4 is a biracial woman called Nicole. I fell in love with this character, identified with her (without realizing what I was doing, I just thought she was cool and someone to look up to), and at one point, made the decision to give that name to my future daughter.

Well, I'm 35 now, and considering what I'm going through, I'm not going to be having kids any time soon, and really, there is a decent chance I'll never have em.

I've also come to realize, that with these names that I wanted to impose on a daughter, I also wanted to impose a character to her, a personality, I wanted her to become that powerful, rebellious, intelligent woman that I always wanted to be. And on one hand that's OK, we always want the best for our children, but on the other hand, I need to be able to let a child become who they need to become.

Finally, the third angle to what I'm getting at, is that here in Quebec, I meet a lot of people who I speak French with, and "Dawn" is simply unpronounceable for them, they always think at first that I'm giving a male name, and the confusion comes in immediately and I have to always work against that instead of them hearing a naturally female name. And at first I was all rah-rah fuck you if you can't pronounce it, but now I'm not so vehement, I feel like Dawn whether or not they call me it.

So....

I introduce myself to you all, Dawn Nicole Foran, and French people, you're going to start meeting me as Nicole, which is one of those names that work beautifully in either language.

and if one day I am blessed with a daughter (or a son, whatever, but ya know), I'll let her name come to me naturally, nothing to worry about, nothing to force upon her

taxi will be here in 10.... talk to you all soon

ready to go

all packed, I've realized I've forgotten something about ten times now, but I'm pretty sure I've got everything...

I'm only going for a week, but I have over 60 lbs of luggage to bring, and in all honesty, not that much of it is work, maybe 7lbs. You travel heavy as a trans woman...

jeans (two work, two nice), work shirts, heavy male jacket (ugh), work boots, flats, flat boots, heels, wig, body, girls stuff, sleeping stuff, makeup, creams and gels and jewelry.... bloody hell... I don't even have any skirts or dresses

good thing work will cover the oversized luggage charge, hehehe

fuck, socks, be right back

ok, well, I did have socks, but work socks for my steeltoe boots and sleeping socks, not socks to wear with my women's stuff.... as I said, complicated

so now its 35 minutes until the cab will show up.... I was feeling a lot worse yesterday about all of this, but I've got this kind of melancholy going on right now.... not terrible I guess, but I gotta keep an eye on it

I called up my aunt today who lives fairly near by, this is my favorite aunt from my childhood, my mom had told her about me a few weeks back, so we chatted about everything, and Becca and I, and we'll all get together when I get back so they can meet the new me (I've decided, in Montreal, no more fake body).

I think what I appreciated the most is I asked her if she had told her kids, and the grandkids, and her response was "oh, of course". She didn't feel the need to hide... yes she's a bit of a gossip... love her, lol.... but she didn't feel the need to hide, didn't see this as something scary and horrible (surprising yes, but... that's OK).

so that felt good, and I went out, picked up the rest of my stuff for my trip, picked up some stuff for the cats, got them all set for the week without me (Becca should be coming by, but just incase...)

and I had a cool experience yesterday at the pharmacy which I never mentioned, which was while I was shopping, a cute young salesgirl helped me find some face cream, then I hit the Smashbox aisle, got my primer just as she was asking if I needed a good makeup base, I told her I had exactly what I needed, we chitchatted, she rung up my order, and invited me to a private makeup consult cocktail party they were having that week at the pharmacy...... but people.... I was in boy mode. Heheheheheh, so cool

and the thing I've been trying to avoid saying, is that this is my first trip since I've been in the work force, in which I don't have a partner waiting for me at home. And that's a tough thing to stop thinking of. I know there are people that love me, and are looking forward to seeing me when I get back, but it's not the same. Not having that person to call right before bed, oof, good thing I have my sleeping meds.

ok, enough being forlorn and all that, fuck it, let's go to Halifax, let's show em how a Montreal trans woman does it. I'll end up coming out to ppl I work with, hehe, all men there, oh boy, let do this

Dawn out!

Tough day

Yeah, today wasn't easy, I can guess at a few reasons why but.... well.... bleh, I'll just write

This is my first day that I've really spent alone, entirely, no work, no friends (well, none face to face), some online chatting with friends, but that's it. Not sure why I decided to do that today, well, OK, I'm leaving on a business trip to Halifax tomorrow, a short one just for a week (and I have to be back for the 22nd anyways so it's guaranteed just for a week), so I was supposed to pack today, didn't.

only did one load of laundry

took 3 hours for myself to watch a movie I had been wanting to watch for a long time.

wrote, chatted, felt lonely even though I really shouldn't

talked to my mom for an hour, that felt good, she gave me the time to cry and be sad and miss Becca, but we also managed to chat about more mundane things which is good as well. Can't always be serious

it's not that I haven't missed Becca, I have, I do, but today it was really tough.

see, the movie I watched today is about a couple, in which after 2 years, the guy flips out and blurts out that he needs to be a woman. It's the story of their life, how they fight to stay together, try to fight the world, lose touch, rejoin, all over the space of ten years, and it's a beautiful story. It's called _Lawrence_Anyways_, and like the last flick I talked about, is also Quebecois french (but the subs are quite decent, again, original language is always better, regardless of if you understand it).

I've been sitting on this movie since last November. Nat had offered to watch it with me, and in retrospect, I probably should have waited for some quality time together before doing it, because yeah, it was tough. Nat and her Greek had also warned me that Becca probably shouldn't watch it, and they were right. She didn't want to watch it regardless, she was afraid that it would tell her how to think about me, trans, everything, and she didn't like that.

of course watching it got me thinking about us, the what-if's, the could-a-been's. it got me missing that contact of having her close, having her beside me, usually asleep while I watched the second half the flick she passed out in the middle of. it just got me hurting

Coupled with leaving tomorrow for a week in the field, thankfully there are others out there including a guy I really do feel safe with, and in fact, I'm going to have to tell him about myself quite quickly, I'm not going to be OK out there without anyone in the know, don't ask why, it's important to me. Anyway, couple all the sadness that the experience of watching that movie brought me, and the fear that travelling with no one really at home waiting for me, yeah, that will make for a tough day.

I really should have spent the day with friends, even though I see the same people quite often, that's not bad is it?, they're always happy to see me. Like Violet said, that's what proper friendship is, you can lose touch for a while, but not be upset by it, and when your lives allow you to reconnect (or you find the strength to reach out), you do, and it's all good. Chucky would have been happy to see me again, even though we are spending quite a lot of time together lately

so I'll just have to reach out while I'm gone if I need to, and not reach out to Becca, I can't put that stress on her, although I think she would enjoy a quick "hi" once or twice. I think she's going to worry a bit for me, even though she will try to stop herself, I think she'll do it regardless.

and like Andrea told me yesterday (seriously wise for a 24 year old), when she at first told me that if I needed some support that she would promise to be there for me, and then she cut herself off, and said "actually, I can't promise that, because I really don't know if I would be able to be there for you at that exact point in time, and there is no way I'd ever want to let you down, but if you need to, reach out to me, and if I can, I'll be there for you"... I finished her thought for her: "you'll never not be there for me, but sometimes, you won't be available, and in that case, I reach out to someone else, because I do have people who are there for me". She smiles as she sees that I get it.

and I'm rereading this now, and as usual I didn't really go anywhere with it, and the music I'm listening to is calming me, and I feel better. Nothing has changed, I have no concrete reason to feel better, I still miss Becca enormously (I had to reach out to her, so I sent her a FB message telling her I missed her, which knowing her she will get in a week, so I know there is no chance I brought her down today), I'm still heading out into the field tomorrow, I'm gonna be scared, but I'll be OK.

deep breath girl

deep breath

Living, learning, growing...... being

So I got invited to a birthday party for one of Chucky's good friends by the lovely Andrea. The birthday girl is the one who I re-met a couple weeks when I hung out with them on Easter.

I ask about the crowd, who is going to be there, cause I know a lot of that circle of people are super cool open circus / acrobatics / artists folk, who while they may not know any other trans people, they aren't the kind to judge.

I get told "um, like, accountants, financial people, her family, some europeans she met randomly"

gulp

okaaayy, nerves settle in a little bit.

I ask Chuck, via facebook chat which was how were having this conversation, how do you think I should present?, full femme?, au naturel like I did the weekend before?

the little bugger skirts the question.... I press again.... he just says to stop being a wuss about it, and just be me.... he says it with love of course and I know that.... and he's right

I had sheepishly sent Andrea the same question earlier in the day also via FB, she never answered....

but in the end, Chucky's response, and Andrea's non-answer was really what I needed.... they forced me to make the choice on my own and to OWN my choice.

which I did. Full makeup, I wore my wig (I was about to write out a justification for that, screw it, none needed), my curvy jeans, tight white tshirt and my cardigan. No boobs, no bra, and since my nipples have been erect for like 2 weeks now, the fact that I was a woman with absolutely no breasts or attempt to hide the fact, was very obvious. And I felt good, and I looked great :).

we arrived at the party, the birthday girl greets us, I say hi to the couple people I know (we also brought along another amazing chick who knows and loves me), give Andrea a big hug and settle into a conversation with her. I figured I'll meet the rest of the people as the night went on. I can see that I'm getting a few sideways glances, the younger ones (who turned out to be birthday girls cousins) are glancing at me every few seconds, as if they were curious as to what I'd do next, lol

I start to tell Andrea how it took me a while to decide to how to appear, and that I do feel comfortable in how I chose to present, and blah blah blah. She cuts me off. She says "Don't tell me what you're feeling, show me. If you're comfortable in your skin, be comfortable. Words are meaningless, actions count"... I kissed her, hugged her, and we switched into other chitchats.

I meet another great woman, who literally knew not a soul at the party, she had just met the birthday girl a short while ago and this was the second time they met. She wanted to ask about me, my experiences, curious but in a really positive way (she works with a trans woman, but she doesn't feel right asking her as she isn't that type of person), we chat on and off the whole evening. She congratulates me, encourages me, and tells me that I am really owning who I am, I laugh and tell her how nervous I really am and she just doesn't believe me. It felt really good

I meet birthday girls dad, and he just can't stop talking to me!, so cute :). He had a gorgeous woman standing next to me to look at, yet his eyes rarely left mine as he babbled left and right (a little drunk I think) about nice places to take a vacation. In all honesty, that really made me feel comfortable

I start to feel better.... I start to feel like myself.

I share a doob with a group of folks, I can tell the guy standing next to me is realllllllly unsure of how he should be reacting, can't meet my eyes. I can see the apology in the girls eyes who is standing next to him. It doesn't get me down, I actually think its cute and I continue to be myself. Later on that night, so nervously I really thought he could have an accident, he asks me, so... are you.... a man who is becoming a woman?... or wants to be one?. He is twitchy, eyes darting left and right, if I had touched him I think his head would have popped. I laughed and told him that I'm a transsexual woman, I was born in the body of a boy, but never connected or felt like a boy, but always felt like a girl. I tell him I'm on medication that is going to kickstart a female puberty in me.... "I'm 35 and in a month or so I'm going to start growing boobs"... I smile and laugh, and it makes him feel a bit better although he is still sheepish. His girlfriend overhears, makes sure he isn't making an ass of himself, we chat about it all and he ends up wandering away.

go out for a butt with her (I didn't smoke!), meet another chick, she didn't really need any questions answered and was chill with me, we're in similar industries after all, easy connection. Meet some of the europeans, chitchat with them, they are now comfortable with me

by the end of the night, I had only met about 30% of the people there, but the amount of people that came in and out was ridiculous. I mentioned that at the beginning, I was getting glances, people were checking me out, playing "what's the tranny gonna do!". I noticed that as the night wore on, and I chatted with more and more random people, and those who didn't meet me saw me moving around and interacting, just like anyone else, that the glances just kind of stopped. I was acting just like everyone else, they saw that, and just like the first girl said, they saw that I owned it, this is me, this is who I am. And that made them comfortable

and they can go home and say, damn!, there was this trans, androgynous, femme, not quite sure person at the party I was at, got along with everyone, so cool!.

and that's what I want

but.... and there is always a but

I am starting to get a little annoyed at the fact that so many people feel that they can question what happened with my marriage, or even ask "why did you bother getting married". Look, I get that for the most of you, you wouldn't be able to stay with your mate after they transition from one gender to another, but at the same time, you're trying to imagine your life, right at that moment, with your boyfriend in a dress, or your girlfriend without breasts in a suit. It's not the same thing as knowingly dating someone who is trans OK?. Each time that someone decides to inform me "wow, I'd never be able to stay with *my* husband either", it tells me that while they support who I am, they see me as someone undatable, and thats a crappy message to keep hearing from people who in all other ways, do mean well. I'm just sick and tired of hearing "well, it's expected isn't it?".... maybe it is in THIS shitty society.... but how about we try to be people who live in a society where is isn't expected OK?.

/rant over

so all in all, good night, good times, met cool people, made some friends, and a bunch of people are slightly less ignorant, and my confidence got yet another little bump.

awesome

An open letter to my Filipino family

First off, hi

I know some of you are reading this, and right away, I want to say, please, continue if you want to, I was surprised to discover this but very touched by the knowledge, and I think it's a shame that this is only something that we can share, even if it is anonymously, this late in the game. In reality, the game is over isn't it?

I don't know who you are, and I don't need to. But whoever you are, or if some of you find this later on and start reading back, know that I'm most likely talking to you too, I want to say something to you, because I may never get the opportunity to do it face to face again

Thank you

All of you have treated me like family since the beginning, even if you found me crass and offensive (which I know some of you did), and even if you knew that I didn't share your religion which is so important to you all  and I wasn't planning on raising our future children in it, you still accepted me, and understood that people are different; furthermore, you helped me see that as well.

You have invited me into your homes, allowed me to spend time with you and your children, and even though I still get some names confused, I've come to love you all in one way or another.

I've attended your weddings, your birthday parties and Christmas gatherings, your baptisms and community gatherings. Even before I started dating Becca, I was part of your family, and not just with respect to the ones around my age, but even the parents of my Filipino friends would take care of me

When we honeymooned in the Philippines, so many of you took care of us, made us feel welcome and loved.

I've seen and felt the iron strength of the Filipino family bond, you are all truly unique in that. The rest of the world could learn much from you

One of my biggest regrets is that I will most likely never see most of you again.

Know that I have hated living in secret among you, but then again, perhaps it was the only way. So far reaction to the news has been, shall we say, not terribly positive, but I have hope that those who feel anger will be able to let go one day. I wonder if we had opened up years ago would things have been different, unfortunately, it's impossible to say one way or the other.

Also know that the secrecy that we harbored does not reflect upon my desire for people to know, and for people to talk to me about all of this, or to simply talk about trans* in general. I am an incredibly open person, and I love discussing things that many people would find "too personal". If you, the reader, wants to reach out, even anonymously, click on my profile, send me an email, or leave a comment, I welcome it

and I guess that's all I needed to say.

take care,

love you

.... the weekend continued

I'm going to talk about Andrea now for a bit...

ok, now get your minds out of the gutter, nothing like that, in fact, that's what I want to discuss.

I have a pattern in my life, I was always a serial monogamist, and since I have always connected with women almost too easily, I have found that if I am interested sexually in a woman, I need to make a move before we become friends... because once I get "friended", well, we all know where that leads, and it isn't to the bedroom. So the women I ended up forming long term relationships were those that I approached fast, I didn't give them time to become friends with me, like what happened with Becca.

Related to that is another pattern in which that I would meet a very cool chick, who I happen to find attractive, yet she doesn't trigger that "protective male urge" in me which I have always felt strongly with all the women I have had long relationships with, and is what drove me to be able to overcome my shyness and seek relationships with those women at the speed that was required.

Women like Andrea fit the second pattern, as have Nat, my old friend out in Vancouver (ack, names!), Murrr in Ottawa. Strong, independant, very intelligent, into some weird crap like me (seriously, I "friend" Andrea on FB and her splash screen is a Nietzsche quote, how cool is that), women who stand up for themselves, loud, assertive, etc. These are the types of women that I have looked up to in my life, that I respected the hell out of, that I was true friends with, and I always wanted to go after them like the women I ended up with, but I didn't, I was intimidated a bit, but more than that I realize now that I identified with them, I looked up to them, I wanted to be like them. Ultimately, at one point, since I was sexually attracted to women, and these events happened a lot more during school and high-hormones-teenage years, and on top of all of that, I had always had that slight.... urge.... towards them (again, I like girls a lot, and I was a teenager), my testosterone would win out and I would try to form a relationship with them.

which always ended after a few hours, as they realized that uhh, no, he is awesome, but they don't know why, but there is simply ZERO spark..

(well, we know now eh?)

So, now that I've wandered a bit and filled you in... Andrea is one of those women, if I had met her pre-transition, in a different life, I could SO see the same pattern happening with her... feeling that connection, sincerely enjoying time spent together, identifying with her, but a part of me would always want more, that sexual connection, and I would ruin the friendship at one point like I've done many times before.

now, like I said, IF I had met her pre-transition.... here's the big difference, and it's something I discussed with Maya today.... I still feel everything I described, except for the actual attraction. Those feelings confused the hell out of me, I've felt the exact same mix of admiration, respect, friendship, "wanting to be around them cause you feel it's a really healthy relationship" kind of person, but where is the sexual urge?, the desire, where is that?.

(and just for the record, I DONT want it back)

the hormones have calmed that aggravating testosterone in me, a drug which I honestly think my system, psyche, soul, what have you, I honestly don't think I've ever been able to handle it properly.

I look back now, and it's like in reality I never wanted to date those women, but I just couldn't understand what I was feeling, why would a boy identify with a woman, even though I see SO much of that now when I look to my past, for me at that time, what could that feeling be other than sexual attraction?, after all, they're attractive, they're a girl and I was a boy, we get along amazingly, I get aroused when thinking those thoughts about them (I was a teen, I could have gotten aroused with a table lamp), desire and lust MUST be what I'm feeing right?

right?

I described all of this to Maya today at lunch, and I could see from the look on her face that she knew what I was talking about, she knew those types of feelings towards women, cause she isn't exactly straight. I won't get into trying to define her, and I think she would be happy with that, but for the most part she had been with, and dated, women. She understood the difference between admiring a woman, wanting to be around her without wanting to be WITH her, and on the flip side, other women that you enjoy being with, but you also want to be with sexually. She told me that yes, the women like Becca that I had had sexual relationships with, all of that was real, no worry there, but what I felt with women like Nat and Murrr, that was just women that Dawn, nestled deep inside me, was trying to identify with, and they felt it too, which is why the sexuality never worked out....

and that's pretty cool.... I'll be able to enjoy a healthy friendship with Andrea without getting confused.... and if one day far in the future feelings form, or form with a woman like that, I'll be able to explore them honestly and properly, interesting....

so, finally, the last part of all of this, Maya herself!!!!!!. Oh, how lucky and fortunate I feel that we got a chance to re-connect today. As I said in the first part of all of this, it's been a full frakin twenty years!!!.

you'd think that this was one of my BFFs with all the exclamation marks that I'm using, but truthfully, we weren't terribly close back in grades 9 and 10, which is when we knew each other. We knew each other by name of course, and I spent a lot more time with one of her friends, but here and there, sometimes in class, sometimes out of it we would share some conversation, about this that and the other thing. I remember that she always blew me away with her confidence, tall, strong, take no shit combat boot wearing punk chick, she made no apology, but wasn't an asshole about it, she knew what she wanted (or appeared to, lol), but didn't stomp on people to get it. I remember I wanted to absorb her strength, as if being around her I could become stronger, I could figure out how to be that awesome, that powerful, that sure of herself. She may have looked like an angry fuming tough as shit punk, but unlike the rest of us, she had love and support at home, she wasn't rebelling against her parents, or acting out, she was simply exploring being herself without any care what others would think and judge.... and we were in a suburb outside ottawa in the early 90s, so yes, people cared and judged

and I wanted that super power all for myself..... took me a while, but I got it :)

The other thing that makes Maya very very special to me, is that she was the first person to ever see Dawn, only fleetingly, when we were 14. I must have told the story before, but I'm long winded today, so... from how she told it (I don't actually remember this, so I'm paraphrasing a memory she kept for me for twenty fucking years!!!): we were both in the "gifted" program for the 'smart' kids, and we were doing some group work thing in a large room, or maybe the gymnasium. I had finished my work and I wandered over to her desk... she was sitting there with her hair flipped over to one side of her head, and supposedly I commented, complimented, that she looked like Veronica from Archie comics. She was surprised by the compliment, it didn't feel like it was a flirtatious remark,  and she looked up at me, and she saw Dawn, and she wanted me as her girlfriend (remember, she was dated almost only women). The problem was that we were only 14, she knew what she felt, but she didn't know how to express it, and even if she were to try, she was worried that she would cause me to run screaming, which I probably would have, I wasn't ready to know that when I was that age, not in my family....

so she chalked it up to just me flirting awkwardly.... but she kept it in her mind, just incase, and last year, when I came out to her, she got to give me one of the greatest presents I have ever received in my life.... that memory

We got to spend a wonderful five and a half hours together today, chatting, eating, drinking, walking, and I went back home, and she'll by flying back to her house on top of a mountain in a few days, and if we're lucky we'll be able to do this again one day, and hopefully it won't be another twenty years from now!.

I really feel lucky that I got to have that time with her today, oh goodness my makeup is running now, so emotional these days.

she told me how she felt bad that she didn't take more care of me when we were kids, and I love her for saying that, cause I know she means it, but I wasn't ready then, and if she had given me all of that strength I may have ended up on the street with it after my parent's threw my ass out. It's OK Maya, never feel a second of guilt over it, even though we were never that close a bit of you stayed with me all these years, just like my truth remained in your mind, and you gave me just what you were supposed to, and you're here for me now even if you're up a mountain in Alberta.

and I love you, thank you for being such a powerful part of my story, even if you may always be a fleeting one....

Dawn's first day out....

no, this isn't a post in which I reminisce

today, in all honesty, was Dawn's first day out

but how you ask, after all, we've seen the pictures, you have been out and about.... unless.... this is all a ruse!!!

(dum dum dummmmmmmmm)

no, of course the pictures are real. Let me explain.

I had another laser session last Tuesday, and as usual, only four days later, my face is still a mess. When I shave, the blade can't actually hit my skin in lots of places, especially those with a lot of hair (i.e., the upper lip), so i actually end up with stubble worse than when I had a full beard, because the hair that is causing the stubble that people see, it's all dead, and waiting to be expelled by my body, so it's darker, burnt, coarse. To top it all off, when I put makeup on that burnt face, it is NOT comfortable, it irritates me, I feel this constant burn, ugh, it sucks.

so, I was planning to go see a very close friend of mine, hang out with her for a bit, then go see my good buddy with her and do some hula hooping (I swear it's amazing once you get the hang of it, and an incredible workout!), so since I was going to be in safe places all day, when I put on my regular almost-invisible makeup, I decided to go a little heavier on the eyes...

then a bit of smudged eyeliner in a medium brown....
my evening mascara (not the daytime, not the crazy clubbing stuff either)...
well that's not awful, get my foundation powder, dab some on my ugly splotchy face...

hrm.. again, not awful... and more than that, something is starting to form in the mirror, someone I've been seeing a lot lately, but someone I'm not used to seeing without a wig, without my breast forms...

I put on some light lipstick, then removed most of it so it just stained my lips and made them look a bit fuller...
I brushed out my thickening, darkening hair, its down to my shoulders now...
put on some small and discreet, but very sparkly and shiny earrings...
a small heart pendant

I met myself, the first real image of the woman I'll become.... and I'm beautiful

I tossed on my favorite pair of jeans that make me look oh so curvy, a tight femme tshirt, a cardigan and a scarf. And screw it!, I put on my 2 inch wedge suede boots as well, grabbed my favorite purse, long military style coat, may as well do it properly...

and my face kinda looked like hell, hahah, and I loved it!!!. I knew that people wouldn't really know what to think

after all, notice that I didn't put on my boobs?, hell, I have no breasts yet, and I'm OK with that, I can still feel feminine, and I know something is going to grow, so once they do, I'll wear a bra... but it felt good to feel like this fledgling woman just really starting to grow and form...

so I go to see (shit, I know I've named her, can't remember, I should make a list) Violet, and at first she is surprised at my inbetween look, as is her wonderful boyfriend when he gets home, but when I tell them how I'm feeling (and I seriously didn't care how people gendered me at all, I felt like ME, and that is what was important) they understood, and they saw what I saw, and they were so happy for me.

We go to my buddy's place; this is my best bud really, the one guy who has treated me instantly as a woman from the first time he met Dawn, then as he saw Phil again, he treated "him" like Dawn, refers to me as such, easy, never a minute of discomfort, and has always given me the french kiss-kiss thing that we do up here in Quebec. Again, I know I've named him, but let's go with... a screw it, I know he wouldn't care, and there is only one name that suits him which is his, it's Chucky.

Anyway, we go see Chucky, and lo and behold, Andrea is there with him. This is one of the gorgeous girls that I met last Easter weekend, tall, beautiful, intelligent, fun, full of life. She recognizes me immediately, even if she had met the "full femme" Dawn the weekend before, and both her and Chuck agree that this look is so much better than the whole wig and boobs, and in many ways I look more womanly. It's weird what people see when you start to feel it inside yourself.... and I'm not just talking about the hormones when I say that.... this whole mental shift has been happening in me before my hormones have started, they're just speeding it along.

Ok, this is gonna be a longer post than I had thought, I'm writing as if this was yesterday, see, really this is Sunday and I had another amazing day which is about to start to tie in, so screw it, lets just keep going.

We spend the evening Saturday hooping, chatting, everyone getting along famously, and I am really one of the girls, even though when I look in the mirror I see the interesting in the middle creature I currently am, I feel like one of them. Chucky's roommates come home, a cute couple in their early 20s, and they've met me in either gender, they know my story, and are interested and supportive, and from them as well I felt like one of the girls, I was treated as such.

and it was great.... and really, that's all there is for that vein. I'm not ready to go out like that to a mall, or shopping. i.e., Today, I went to Ottawa to see an old friend that I've mentioned before, one that I haven't seen in 20 years since high school (literally, I'm that old that I can say that, piss off), and I wore my full face, wig, breasts, and I'm OK with that even though all the extra stuff is starting to bug me a bit, baby steps after all.... plus, it's Ottawa, I haven't ever been "examined" that often in Montreal, but I felt OK...

ok, let's at least split this into a 2 parter...

what a day.....

Tears, anger, hurt, remorse, regret, you know, just a regular Thursday at Dawn's place....

Lots of stuff happened today, first time I felt anger (fleeting) towards Becca since this all happened, and I think it was a similar event for her as well, but we managed to talk, and not hug, and we tried to not say "I love you" but it happened anyway and it's OK.

but all of that isn't why I want to write tonight, I want to focus on a positive, not to say what I wrote wasn't positive.... ahhh, you know what I mean....

My friend Nat and I went out to dinner tonight to chat and catch up, and yes, primarily to listen to me whine (thanks again hun!!!) and talk about Becca and I, and as well about my transition. It was a lovely evening, Nat looking fantastic as usual in an outfit I'd never be able to pull off, but at one point Becca called me up, and said something that at that moment, really hurt. As I was having that call, Nat got up to go to the bathroom, and when the call ended, I just hung my head and felt the pain, and for the first time since my transition began, I felt that anger seep back, thankfully, it only lasted a moment. ***

I'm going to backtrack about 20 minutes now.... at that point while we were eating, this big white dude comes in and takes a table alone and places an order. I noticed him on the way in, not for any reason other than I notice everything around me, people, movement, I'm a touch paranoid. He looked like any other late 20's guy, big, broad shouldered, heavy guy, starting to lose his closely cropped hair, wearing the generic men's loose nondescript jeans, <insert sports team> t shirt  I was surprised he didn't have a cap on his head. The kinda guy you keep an eye on when him and his buddies have tossed back a dozen beers at the bar...

now, I was sitting there with my head hanging, I took a deep breath, and looked up, and now that Nat wasn't blocking my view, I ended up meeting Joe's eyes (just cause he felt like a Joe). He looked a smidge ... embarrassed?, like he was caught looking at something he shouldn't?, it's a feeling I'll get from men when I'm presenting as Dawn and I catch them looking at my chest, but tonight I was straight from work, and my laser blasted face isn't in any condition to be wearing makeup, so it was Phil tonight. Joe swallowed his mouthful, and bashfully said, "I'm sorry for eavesdropping... but... well, it was hard not to overhear"

he points out the fact that we are the only two tables with customers in this side of the place.....

.... and Nat and I both tend to have voices that carry :P (he didn't point that part out)

"I just wanted to say, I hope you don't mind, just, like, well.... good luck, with everything, I heard what you were talking about and, yeah, you have to do what you know is right man, and it's awesome that you're doing it, and I tip my hat you to, just, wow, good luck"

he went on to tell me how when he was younger, and at this point my memory is already a little foggy as I was, in a word, stunned at what was happening, and considering my head was still mixed up in what had happened with Becca and I, well, ill paraphrase the rest. Basically, an older guy in his and his fathers life back then, who was into racing cars, and modding cars, and this was a big dude as well, well, at the age of 42, he just upped and transitioned, boom, just like that.

Joe looked at me right in the eyes at that point, pointed at me with his chopsticks, and said "you will never see a happier person in the world"...

Nat came back at this point, was a little surprised to see us chatting, and I think the look on my face is what got her the most (grinning from ear to ear, and honestly, I had forgotten that I was presenting boy mode), made sure I was OK, filled her in quickly, he wished me luck again and we got back to our meal...

somehow, all of this made me realize what was going on with Becca and I, and I talked to Nat, that what Becca said wasn't cause she was trying to hurt me, or really mad at me, she was angry at something, or hurt, and lashing out, and I should be able to see that and know that without feeling so horrible, like I destroyed someone, which is how I feel when I'm afraid that someone I love is mad at me, I feel like I'm being ripped apart, I lose my sense of self.....

yes, it's something I need to work on....

... now that I think about it, tonight, I *did* work on it, cool

so yeah, the universe can provide you just what you need sometimes, just when you need it.

I also realize something else, tied into what I've written about before, which is the importance of sharing your stories and your experiences, and not being afraid of being judged about it, and how that brings people closer together, gives us insight, all that great stuff.

If I had been scared of what will people think if they hear us talking about me being trans!!!, or just scared of people hearing personal things like lots of people tend to be (its none of their business!, humph!), or if Nat had been the type of person that gets uncomfortable when people share things, none of this would have happened tonight. Joe wouldn't have heard anything, and wouldn't have been able to share his story, and if *he* wasn't brave enough to share his story, none of it would have continued either. I wouldn't have become a little less judgmental of "regular dudes" like Joe, cause the other thing I thought when he came in was "lol, I'll never have to bother pretending to have something in common with a guy like that anymore", shame on me eh?. The hurtful event with Becca would have still happened, but if my spirits hadn't been raised by Joe, I wouldn't have had the calm to be able to understand what had really happened, and Becca and I would have maybe had our first post-separation fight, which would have really sucked!. And of course, I could share all I had felt right back with Nat, who while was more on the receiving end of stuff tonight, I think she feels good about everything and even though she isn't feeling her best right now, it was a good night

wow, what a day

thanks Nat, and thank you Joe!

*** I've been wracking my brain, and I have a feeling that she used the bathroom after another tough event and that is when everything transpired, either way, it doesn't actually change what happened, and this note is just for Nat I guess who is the only person who would know I'd screwed up, and now I'm just rambling, so....

it had to happen.....

Becca and I are through, in reality, me taking my first spiro and applying my first Estradiol patch was the final nail in the coffin, it just took two more days to actually come out.

We spent the entire day on Friday talking, crying, questioning, we probably got six month of closure taken care of. We slept in each other arms exhausted that night, and just started fresh the next morning. It was heartbreaking, it still is.

An old friend of mine who has recently come back into my life in a wonderful way had me and a couple friends over to celebrate my new beginning in starting HRT. Only a couple people came by, of course I start all of this on Easter weekend, but it was really nice to have some close friends there with me. Of course it was bittersweet with the news, but we still managed to have a lot of laughs.

Got home and found her there, in our bed, sleeping. I watched for a while before going downstairs to watch TV. Spent the night with her again.

I spent the day today, Easter by the way, with a buddy of mine, one of the same that was there last night, went with him to a friend of his' place, met some new people, played with one of the girls' 6 y/o daughter, she held my hand back to the car, and I could have died from the pain, from the loss of holding my goddaughters hand, the sweet little girl that lives across the street from me but feels like she is a million miles away.

See, I've mentioned before how Becca's cousin is the person I've known the longest in my life that is still a part of my life. I must have mentioned how her husband was also my best friend since, at least 2004, thats going on 10 years now, even though we haven't been as close the last couple years. I was part of their family, their parents knew and loved me, I was invited to xmas gatherings, family birthdays, I was one of the only ones to stick it out the entire time at the birth of both their children, I took their son's first picture, these people were my real honest to god family.....

..... and not a one of them has reached out to me to see if I'm doing OK with all of this.

Becca is blood, so her needs win, and in all honesty, ever since Becca and I started dating, I haven't felt as much part of their family, I felt like someone to "watch out" for, like they had to take care of soft fragile little Becca, and big queer me was capable of destroying her. I could hang out with twenty other people, all of them would consider me family, yet I'd feel completely alone. Becca always assumed it was me being pissy, being whiny, after all, they must all love me and care for me. She keeps telling me that they miss me, that they ask about me, yet when I see them, why won't they talk to me about what's going on, why won't they pick up a bloody phone, and send me a text.....

it feels like I was proven right, that they really didn't give a shit about me, I was always a convenient friend.... I don't want to feel that way, I really don't, and even though it will never be like it was, cause in all honesty I think a trans woman makes them uncomfortable to a certain extent, but I would like to not lose them entirely from my life.

So I've lost Becca, and I've lost a big part of my family, even though I never felt quite right with them, it felt good knowing there were people there, and not just people, but "normal' people, people who simply aren't prepared to deal with someone like me

I think Becca was my last chance at "normality"... and I hate the word normal, its meaningless, yet people will kill each other over what they consider "normal" to be.

I wanted that life with a wife, kids, pets, house, all that regular stuff, and I wanted to fit in, and I wanted people to look at me and say "hey, he's got it going on!", even if I played dress up from time to time, and had queer friends, and did unusual things, I could still float through the world as a most-of-the-time normal person

I see those people with the normal families, and normal problems, but who always seem to stick together no matter what, and I need that, I've never felt that I had that. That is an incredibly powerful need, so powerful that you will suppress parts of yourself just to fit in, just to keep that feeling of family, even as you come to realize that its not true, because they don't know you, because due to fear, you've never really let them in. You know everything about them, you can help them with anything, but you never let them see you, and when you do, you are so uncomfortable that they become uncomfortable for you, or just that they simply are uncomfortable around folks who are different, and folks who are suffering. Or maybe theyre just scared of me, scared of hurting me, I do wear my heart on my sleeve, and when someone hurts me, I don't know how to let them in again all the way

I build up a wall. I force away those who love me, because they hurt me, but doesn't everyone hurt the people they love?, I sure as hell do, and sometimes people forgive me. There are people I've forgiven, but I gotta admit, it does take a lot, or simply a lot of time. I railed and fumed a couple weeks ago when I found out that someone close said some hurtful things about me, yet I say the exact same shit about her, of course I have a way to justify it to myself, but it's not like I've talked to her about it to see exactly what the truth is, I just got angry and shut off..... cause well, it is easier after all isn't it..... and that feeling of loneliness is something that has always been familiar to me.... and we unconsciously search for what is familiar, whether it is healthy for us or not

Even up above, where I said (whined) that "it feels like I was proven right", I'm pulling the same bullshit, I'm feeling hurt, and that's fine, and that's valid, and I'm allowed to be hurt, just like they're allowed to be hurt about the whole thing, cause they are sad, and since they've watched us from the beginning, and her cousin made sure I was honest with Becca about who and what I am, and never wanted her cousin to hurt like this, and hates me for it, and I have to be able to accept that for a while, and that it's her right, even though being trans isn't my fault, and it's not all my fault that I couldn't accept myself until now, and that I don't deserve hate or anger. We're all entitled to our feelings, be they right or wrong, justifiable or not, just like we're allowed entitled to say "enough" and do what is best for us......

man, it hurts to see all the stupid crap I've pulled over the past years, just like I know it hurt Becca to realize all the various stupid and shitty things that she pulled, both of us primarily from fear. We realize that if I had been strong enough to transition back in '07 or '08 when I started to feel that pressure (which I ignored and took to be pressure at fitting in with the transwomen at the support group), and / or if she had been strong enough to really embrace Dawn without being afraid of what could happen (and yeah, if she had embraced her back then, maybe I would have found the strength, instead of having to hit rock bottom to become strong enough), maybe we wouldn't have gone through all of this pain, and we would have found a way to be together, either as partners, or as sisters...

and it really sucks that we can see all of this now, and that we can't wave a magic wand and say "ok, pain gone now", and make it work, or just be close friends.... there is a hole inside each of us that we used to fill for each other, and that's ok for couples to do, but the hole that we were filling isn't one that should be filled by someone else. We are both missing a base, me a lot more than her, but she has the same void that is looking to be filled inside her, and we did that for each other, and it was wonderful, and beautiful, and felt oh so good, but since we were both unhappy at our core's, we poisoned everything.

right now, I want her to remain in my life. The women I was with for almost 7 years a lifetime ago is still somewhat partially only kinda in my life, but that's OK, I think for me and her that's enough, but with Becca, I want more, I need more. I don't want to lose my family, not necessarily her parent's and all those folks even though I miss them to death, but the people who I felt loved by for years before I even met Becca. I don't want to lose any of them, and while I realize I may be full of crap right now and just trying to hold on to her, I really think that since Phil will cease to be (he already has in all honesty), it will be possible, and they'll stop seeing him, and only see her, and maybe it'll be OK.... just like Becca, she looks at me and tells me that she is happy for me, and I know she is telling the truth, and maybe she'll be able to look at me like that without the pain, without the loss... I'd love that.... for the past few months we in all honesty haven't felt like a couple, we've felt like girlfriends, and when I forget about what we used to have, it feels really good, is it wrong that I want to keep that feeling?

anyway, I know I'll keep writing, and keep talking, and I know at one point I'll be OK, it just hurts....