I’m a liar, a big stinky fat poopoohead liar
there, I said it
all my life I’ve extolled the virtue of telling the truth, I’ve counseled people to stop hiding needs from their partners, their loved ones, the world, and since I do kick quite a bit of ass as an armchair therapist, the ones that listen to my advice and actually follow it, are the better for it, always.
so why I do I keep my desires, my needs, in check.
fucking trans guilt, shame, self loathing, GAH!! <insert primal scream here>
...heres, the thing… I’ve prided myself on my solitude my entire life. I play the “lone wolf” role to a T, I know the words, the attitude, the mannerisms, I got it down pat, hell, I should as I’ve been playing the role most of my life. I’ve told people this about me, proudly, how I can handle anything solo, did most of my schooling with only a couple good friends, I didn’t need study groups, I didn’t need extra help, fuck that noise, I’m good enough / smart enough to handle everything ALONE.
What a load of bullshit….. what a load of self destructive bullshit
things are going badly with Becca and I, really badly. I don’t want to get into it on this blog too much, because I know a lot of people that know both of us well read this, and I don’t want to “air my dirty laundry” as it were. In another round of huge tearful talks yesterday, I made an analogy after she commented that I have created this whole new life on my own, or rather, that Dawn has.
I told her that yes, it is true that Dawn has created a new life on her own, not because she didn’t want Becca there, but because Becca wasn’t able, or wasn’t ready to be by her side. I described how all the steps that Dawn has taken over the past year, even though she was out there in the world alone many times (i.e., shopping solo, visiting the city solo, etc), she has never been alone. There is a huge cadre of people beside her almost every step of the way, my wonderful girl-friends, my online support, my therapist, even my male buddies who are confused, but very supportive and protective of me, all of these people are beside me every step of the way, either physically, or in spirit, and the path that Dawn has walked would never have been possible without all of these people. I also told her that while she hasn't been walking beside me the entire way, her support has always been there, at least I hope I said that, thinking back now, I'm not sure.
She on the other hand is still holding back, still scared to reach out for help, to get her own support. She needs safe people, she needs to let go of her own lone wolf persona, because in reality, we are so similar in that aspect. We both need to be strong, we both need to show the world we can stand alone, and take care of ourselves, but we’re both full of shit.
in reality we’re weak…. but is that “wrong”?, is that “less than”?.... no…. that’s the whole thing….. that’s the secret….. being weak is being human…. real strength comes when we reach out to another weak person, which in reality is anyone because we are all weak!, and once we’ve reached out to that person, and connected with them, together, we can be just a little less weak, and then we connect with someone else, and the strength we receive from one person can lift us up, or we can pass that strength onto the next…..
being alone isn’t a sign of strength…. it’s a mask for not being able to deal with our weakness…. and by that extension…. for not being able to deal with our own humanity
Dawn's journey is far from finished, and she will never walk alone again, and thats why she is going to make it in the end, no matter what happens, she's gonna make it....
Monday 28 January 2013
Friday 25 January 2013
that was neat...
so it's been a while since I've gotten my hair cut, nothing new for me really, I went almost 10 years at one point without getting a cut, but that's beside the point...
the thing is, I hate getting my hair cut, what is a normal event for pretty much everyone is something that has always filled me with anxiety and fear. Sitting there, staring, or squinting since I can't see myself well in that mirror without my glasses, hoping and wishing that the hairdresser doesn't fuck up, doesn't make me look like a complete fool. Even now that I have a hairdresser that I trust and get along with well, I still procrastinate going to see her, she pretty much always does a decent job, I know it'll be OK in the end even if it needs a couple days to go out, yet each time I walk into the salon I'm cranky, pissy, like a little baby really.
I'm 35 for cryin out loud, I should have gotten over it by now eh?.
but like all other things trans related, you can only get over it once you realize what it is, and as usual, it took me a while.
I had been wondering what to do with my hair, with transition coming up not too far away anymore, and if I had a choice, I wouldn't subject myself to wearing a wig each day for the rest of my life. For a fun evening out, sure, but the thought of pulling a 16 hour day, or flying across the world staying away for 40 hours doing so, in a frakin wig?!, ugh, please no.
So I come out to my hairdresser, she is totally cool with it, and I tell her that I want to just get a cut which will still be shaggy but androgynous, and which will get it ready for a feminine cut later this year. As usual she completely ignores me (or so I thought at the time), and some pleasant chitchat later, before I know it, I slip my glasses on and I'm looking at Dawn....
.... ok, I looked like crap, no makeup, my face all splotchy still recovering from my last laser session, my hair still super thin cause hormones (and a possible transplant) haven't happened yet... but still.... I caught a glimpse of what I may very well look like, and it was pretty awesome :D.....
she didn't actually cut it very much, but spent more time brushing it out and drying it with some mousse already in it, I got the vague idea of what to do, but like she said, once I'm ready I'm going to get her to give me some proper training in styling, care and maintenance. She's also very looking forward to dying it, and she's going to hook me up for eyelash extensions with her cousin, very low price, lol, I'm all setup.
it's a day later now, and my hair does brush back well and I look like my usual femmy male self as a guy, but with a flip here and a blowdry there, I have this super cute bob haircut, makes my neck look long, frames my face, wow...
best thing of it all?, I loved the whole experience, for the first time in my life, the nerves I felt were just because something new was happening, not because I was scared of getting a cut. I was getting my hair cut for me for the very first time in my life, every other cut has been to be a guy, to look cleaner, make it shorter, etc etc etc, you get the idea. I look at the gorgeous girls working at the salon, all of them completely different styles, different body types even, but they all love their femininity, and make themselves up in a way that you know they love it, and would do it even if there was no one around, this is a big part of who they are..... and that's who I've always been inside as well, and like I told her, I'm going to be able to join her soon....
here's looking forward to my first makeover!!!!
the thing is, I hate getting my hair cut, what is a normal event for pretty much everyone is something that has always filled me with anxiety and fear. Sitting there, staring, or squinting since I can't see myself well in that mirror without my glasses, hoping and wishing that the hairdresser doesn't fuck up, doesn't make me look like a complete fool. Even now that I have a hairdresser that I trust and get along with well, I still procrastinate going to see her, she pretty much always does a decent job, I know it'll be OK in the end even if it needs a couple days to go out, yet each time I walk into the salon I'm cranky, pissy, like a little baby really.
I'm 35 for cryin out loud, I should have gotten over it by now eh?.
but like all other things trans related, you can only get over it once you realize what it is, and as usual, it took me a while.
I had been wondering what to do with my hair, with transition coming up not too far away anymore, and if I had a choice, I wouldn't subject myself to wearing a wig each day for the rest of my life. For a fun evening out, sure, but the thought of pulling a 16 hour day, or flying across the world staying away for 40 hours doing so, in a frakin wig?!, ugh, please no.
So I come out to my hairdresser, she is totally cool with it, and I tell her that I want to just get a cut which will still be shaggy but androgynous, and which will get it ready for a feminine cut later this year. As usual she completely ignores me (or so I thought at the time), and some pleasant chitchat later, before I know it, I slip my glasses on and I'm looking at Dawn....
.... ok, I looked like crap, no makeup, my face all splotchy still recovering from my last laser session, my hair still super thin cause hormones (and a possible transplant) haven't happened yet... but still.... I caught a glimpse of what I may very well look like, and it was pretty awesome :D.....
she didn't actually cut it very much, but spent more time brushing it out and drying it with some mousse already in it, I got the vague idea of what to do, but like she said, once I'm ready I'm going to get her to give me some proper training in styling, care and maintenance. She's also very looking forward to dying it, and she's going to hook me up for eyelash extensions with her cousin, very low price, lol, I'm all setup.
it's a day later now, and my hair does brush back well and I look like my usual femmy male self as a guy, but with a flip here and a blowdry there, I have this super cute bob haircut, makes my neck look long, frames my face, wow...
best thing of it all?, I loved the whole experience, for the first time in my life, the nerves I felt were just because something new was happening, not because I was scared of getting a cut. I was getting my hair cut for me for the very first time in my life, every other cut has been to be a guy, to look cleaner, make it shorter, etc etc etc, you get the idea. I look at the gorgeous girls working at the salon, all of them completely different styles, different body types even, but they all love their femininity, and make themselves up in a way that you know they love it, and would do it even if there was no one around, this is a big part of who they are..... and that's who I've always been inside as well, and like I told her, I'm going to be able to join her soon....
here's looking forward to my first makeover!!!!
Wednesday 16 January 2013
The next steps....
Papers are finally in hand.
First visit at the new clinic which specializes in folks like me... done. Met the doctor that will bring me through to the other side, sweet young thing, new doctor, but smart, informed, and eager to learn and go through the process with me. There are other, very experienced, doctors at the clinic as well just incase I end up being a difficult case, so I feel fine. I thought we would have at least gotten the physical done today, but no, I have a req to get a whackload of blood tests done, and a followup appointment in four weeks where we discuss the results, do the physical, and make a plan. Instead, we spent the time chatting, she asked about my history in feelings of being trans, we chatted about that, how things are going with Becca, my past, my future, it was nice. She told me that she thinks I'm a great candidate (physically), that I have great features already and I'm very lucky compared to many of her clients, I have to say that made me feel pretty good, she even complimented me on my voice, and said that its definitely in a gender neutral range, but I speak "like a woman" so its easy for the listener. I've actually received that comment a few times now, with people that know me primarily as Dawn, or as a femme person. I think my voice still drops around Becca, I'm going to have to ask her about that when she gets home....
so ... yeah.... I guess that's it for today, nothing earth shattering or deeply insightful to talk about, just wanted to give a quick update.
I keep saying to myself.... wow.... this is really happening, my god, this fantasy, this dream that has been in my mind, in my being, for my entire life, is coming true, what the hell, I almost expect to wake up from this sometimes.
oh hell.... something popped into my head that happened today.... I got to work very late, like 3pm, because of my appointment at the clinic, and we had an insurance guy come by in the morning. I had to stop by my shrink's place to get my letter, then the whole visit, so I've been in a very femme mode all day, my filters were completely off. I've been at work for about 20 minutes, I'm walking down the hall and this girl at work who I'm friends with, absolutely gorgeous girl, fantastic style, I've got a girl-crush on her, is walking towards me, I look her up and down, point at her outfit, and say one word to her... "gorgeous". The look she gives me is hilarious as we pass each other, a smile at being complimented, a twist of the eyebrow as it hits her and she wonders.... wait a minute.... he said.... wha?..... umm.
regardless of how out I was, I now a little more out than before, hehe, oh my, maybe it's time I should be talking to HR?
anyway, g'night
Dawn
First visit at the new clinic which specializes in folks like me... done. Met the doctor that will bring me through to the other side, sweet young thing, new doctor, but smart, informed, and eager to learn and go through the process with me. There are other, very experienced, doctors at the clinic as well just incase I end up being a difficult case, so I feel fine. I thought we would have at least gotten the physical done today, but no, I have a req to get a whackload of blood tests done, and a followup appointment in four weeks where we discuss the results, do the physical, and make a plan. Instead, we spent the time chatting, she asked about my history in feelings of being trans, we chatted about that, how things are going with Becca, my past, my future, it was nice. She told me that she thinks I'm a great candidate (physically), that I have great features already and I'm very lucky compared to many of her clients, I have to say that made me feel pretty good, she even complimented me on my voice, and said that its definitely in a gender neutral range, but I speak "like a woman" so its easy for the listener. I've actually received that comment a few times now, with people that know me primarily as Dawn, or as a femme person. I think my voice still drops around Becca, I'm going to have to ask her about that when she gets home....
so ... yeah.... I guess that's it for today, nothing earth shattering or deeply insightful to talk about, just wanted to give a quick update.
I keep saying to myself.... wow.... this is really happening, my god, this fantasy, this dream that has been in my mind, in my being, for my entire life, is coming true, what the hell, I almost expect to wake up from this sometimes.
oh hell.... something popped into my head that happened today.... I got to work very late, like 3pm, because of my appointment at the clinic, and we had an insurance guy come by in the morning. I had to stop by my shrink's place to get my letter, then the whole visit, so I've been in a very femme mode all day, my filters were completely off. I've been at work for about 20 minutes, I'm walking down the hall and this girl at work who I'm friends with, absolutely gorgeous girl, fantastic style, I've got a girl-crush on her, is walking towards me, I look her up and down, point at her outfit, and say one word to her... "gorgeous". The look she gives me is hilarious as we pass each other, a smile at being complimented, a twist of the eyebrow as it hits her and she wonders.... wait a minute.... he said.... wha?..... umm.
regardless of how out I was, I now a little more out than before, hehe, oh my, maybe it's time I should be talking to HR?
anyway, g'night
Dawn
Friday 11 January 2013
A week of hell.....
Worst... trip.... EVAR
I've been out in northern Germany all week on business, usually I love business trips and I have a great time on them, but this one was hell. I think the only thing that made it bearable was that I was travelling with one of the managers that I actually get along with well, very cool guy, smart, fun to chitchat with (no he doesn't know about me btw).
I always have trouble sleeping the first night or two in a new bed, especially when stressed out about being in the field, but this time things we're taken to a new level. Didn't sleep on the plane, after being up for 30+ hours I only got an hour or two sleep the first night, absolutely no sleep the second night, a few hours the third and fourth, and last night, nothing again. This is all while working 12 to 14 hour days mind you, in a fucking country with no sun (just saw the sun for the first time since I've been here).
I don't know what others know of insomnia, but it really is hell on earth. When this hits me, the thoughts I have scare me. I want to scream, throw the TV out the window, break everything in sight, and while I don't want to off myself entirely, I have no problem punching things, or just slapping myself in anger ("why the fuck are you so fucked up that you can't even fucking sleep"), and the thought of just dropping dead sounds very inviting.
It scares me
I've also been incredibly short tempered with Becca during this time, who is going through her own trouble as she deals with a ceiling that almost caved in in one of our rooms. I get mad at her, I know I'm being stupid about it, which makes me angry at myself, so once I'm done beating myself up, I want her support, then when we talk, I just find a reason to get angry again. I see myself doing it, I hear the mean words coming out of my mouth, and while I feel justified in fury to say them, the second they come out I feel awful, which just repeats the whole cycle. I lay there trying to sleep, thinking over and over of everything that was said, the pitch it was said at, how it was said, and sleep just gets further and further away from me which makes me more and more insane. All I can hear is my heartbeat thumping, it sounds like its someone in the next room punching the wall, and I want to tear my ribcage open just to silence that incessant noise.
Every night, when I go to bed, a worrying thought goes through my head.... what if tonight, you won't sleep.... and about once every week or two, I simply wont be able to. I've been this way for as long as I can remember.
I try everything, warm milk, whisky, walking, reading, changing beds, talking to myself, counting things, different white noise generators, but the thing is, I'm so focused on how much difficulty I'm having trying to sleep, that I just make myself worse.
Becca keeps telling me to just let it go, to just find something to focus on. She sounds angry at me for not being able to follow her simple directions.... thing is.... when you're like this, simple instructions like that just infuriate you, yes it sounds simple to do, but to me, its as simple as climbing mount Everest while completely naked. Just the simple task of clearing your mind is one that I have never been able to do, the concept just doesn't make sense to me, even while typing this I'm thinking of work at the same time, and listening to the conversations outside my window, hearing a truck shift back and forth, wondering what happened for him to become so stuck, shit I can barely focus on one thing at a time let alone nothing.
Thing is, I don't know where all of this is coming from. And if I don't know that, how can I avoid this in the future?. I'm actually considering going on anti anxiety meds, my skyrocketing pot habit over the past couple of months has simply been a coping mechanism, lets face it, I may be finally going where I want to go, but it feels like its tearing my life apart at the same time, but I know I can't stop.
Becca hasn't looked at me without sadness and pain in months now, I can't bear to be around her family anymore whereas in the past I loved spending time with them, we look at pictures that we take of us, and I can see how sad she is looking at them, I'm not a guy anymore, I'm not a woman, that's for sure, but I am most definitely not a guy. I've been comparing myself to the 99% male workforce at this shipyard, I don't look, walk, talk, anything like these people, and they stare at me, they don't stare at any of the other guys I'm walking with, but they do to me, I wonder what they see when they look at me.
I hope I'm simply overwhelmed, I never do well during the xmas holidays, I find it an incredibly stressful time of year, and I had to cut the vacation short this year to work, and head out here, which really doesn't help either. But at the same time, this insomnia isn't normal, my freaking out at 3AM and screaming into my pillow for minutes isn't healthy, my looking forward to getting so fucking shitfaced tonight at the hotel bar that I can't walk or see, just to be able to sleep before flying home tomorrow, isn't healthy either.
Sure I'll talk to my shrink about it on Wednesday, but when this happens again (and it will), what - the - fuck - do - I - do ?. If this keeps going I'm going to die of a heart attack before I'm 40.
Becca says that I'm just too terrified of being alone, and all the stress of the situation is compounding that fear, so that when I try to get a hold of her and I can't, I flip and get angry at her once I can reach her. She's probably right, I try to reach out, can't, and feel sad, bad, depressed, lonely, and when I get in touch with her, its like I want her to feel what I was feeling, even though its not her fault or issue whatsoever.
I'm so tired, I just want to be able to flip a switch and turn myself off, but I know if I was given a bed now, as soon as I put my head down I would snap awake. It just feels like too much for one woman to take...
thanks for listening, hope you have sweet dreams
I've been out in northern Germany all week on business, usually I love business trips and I have a great time on them, but this one was hell. I think the only thing that made it bearable was that I was travelling with one of the managers that I actually get along with well, very cool guy, smart, fun to chitchat with (no he doesn't know about me btw).
I always have trouble sleeping the first night or two in a new bed, especially when stressed out about being in the field, but this time things we're taken to a new level. Didn't sleep on the plane, after being up for 30+ hours I only got an hour or two sleep the first night, absolutely no sleep the second night, a few hours the third and fourth, and last night, nothing again. This is all while working 12 to 14 hour days mind you, in a fucking country with no sun (just saw the sun for the first time since I've been here).
I don't know what others know of insomnia, but it really is hell on earth. When this hits me, the thoughts I have scare me. I want to scream, throw the TV out the window, break everything in sight, and while I don't want to off myself entirely, I have no problem punching things, or just slapping myself in anger ("why the fuck are you so fucked up that you can't even fucking sleep"), and the thought of just dropping dead sounds very inviting.
It scares me
I've also been incredibly short tempered with Becca during this time, who is going through her own trouble as she deals with a ceiling that almost caved in in one of our rooms. I get mad at her, I know I'm being stupid about it, which makes me angry at myself, so once I'm done beating myself up, I want her support, then when we talk, I just find a reason to get angry again. I see myself doing it, I hear the mean words coming out of my mouth, and while I feel justified in fury to say them, the second they come out I feel awful, which just repeats the whole cycle. I lay there trying to sleep, thinking over and over of everything that was said, the pitch it was said at, how it was said, and sleep just gets further and further away from me which makes me more and more insane. All I can hear is my heartbeat thumping, it sounds like its someone in the next room punching the wall, and I want to tear my ribcage open just to silence that incessant noise.
Every night, when I go to bed, a worrying thought goes through my head.... what if tonight, you won't sleep.... and about once every week or two, I simply wont be able to. I've been this way for as long as I can remember.
I try everything, warm milk, whisky, walking, reading, changing beds, talking to myself, counting things, different white noise generators, but the thing is, I'm so focused on how much difficulty I'm having trying to sleep, that I just make myself worse.
Becca keeps telling me to just let it go, to just find something to focus on. She sounds angry at me for not being able to follow her simple directions.... thing is.... when you're like this, simple instructions like that just infuriate you, yes it sounds simple to do, but to me, its as simple as climbing mount Everest while completely naked. Just the simple task of clearing your mind is one that I have never been able to do, the concept just doesn't make sense to me, even while typing this I'm thinking of work at the same time, and listening to the conversations outside my window, hearing a truck shift back and forth, wondering what happened for him to become so stuck, shit I can barely focus on one thing at a time let alone nothing.
Thing is, I don't know where all of this is coming from. And if I don't know that, how can I avoid this in the future?. I'm actually considering going on anti anxiety meds, my skyrocketing pot habit over the past couple of months has simply been a coping mechanism, lets face it, I may be finally going where I want to go, but it feels like its tearing my life apart at the same time, but I know I can't stop.
Becca hasn't looked at me without sadness and pain in months now, I can't bear to be around her family anymore whereas in the past I loved spending time with them, we look at pictures that we take of us, and I can see how sad she is looking at them, I'm not a guy anymore, I'm not a woman, that's for sure, but I am most definitely not a guy. I've been comparing myself to the 99% male workforce at this shipyard, I don't look, walk, talk, anything like these people, and they stare at me, they don't stare at any of the other guys I'm walking with, but they do to me, I wonder what they see when they look at me.
I hope I'm simply overwhelmed, I never do well during the xmas holidays, I find it an incredibly stressful time of year, and I had to cut the vacation short this year to work, and head out here, which really doesn't help either. But at the same time, this insomnia isn't normal, my freaking out at 3AM and screaming into my pillow for minutes isn't healthy, my looking forward to getting so fucking shitfaced tonight at the hotel bar that I can't walk or see, just to be able to sleep before flying home tomorrow, isn't healthy either.
Sure I'll talk to my shrink about it on Wednesday, but when this happens again (and it will), what - the - fuck - do - I - do ?. If this keeps going I'm going to die of a heart attack before I'm 40.
Becca says that I'm just too terrified of being alone, and all the stress of the situation is compounding that fear, so that when I try to get a hold of her and I can't, I flip and get angry at her once I can reach her. She's probably right, I try to reach out, can't, and feel sad, bad, depressed, lonely, and when I get in touch with her, its like I want her to feel what I was feeling, even though its not her fault or issue whatsoever.
I'm so tired, I just want to be able to flip a switch and turn myself off, but I know if I was given a bed now, as soon as I put my head down I would snap awake. It just feels like too much for one woman to take...
thanks for listening, hope you have sweet dreams
Friday 4 January 2013
Happy 2013!!!!
Hey, look at that, the world didn't end.
And there was much rejoicing....
yaaaayyyyyyyy
And now for something completely different.
I have two competing things bouncing around in my head right now that I'd like to get out on (virtual) paper, so of course, I'm going to first talk about something completely unrelated to both of those. Has anyone out there heard of or seen the movie called C.R.A.Z.Y??, you HAVE to see it. The story itself is nothing particularily new, a coming of age story of a young gay man, from birth to early 20's, set starting in the 60's. It shows his birth, how different he was as a child compared to his 3 older brothers, how his father saw this softness early in him and started a war against it, again, the story is one that anyone interested in the GLBT (or is queer themselves) world has heard of time and time again, but the execution in this was gorgeous. I want to gush and gush, but I absolutely suck at describing why a movie touched me so much, I just know that it did. I may not be gay, but my story has tons of parallels with Zac's, there is a scene in which he is on his bike, holding his asthma inhaler, cursing his shortness of breath and he gives himself a challenge, an impossible one, to make it through the upcoming intersection on a red light with his eyes closed, and he tells himself that if he makes it, it means that he has beat his curse (the asthma is used as a metaphor for his homosexuality often throughout the movie). He repeats this godly challenge to himself later on, daring himself to walk home through an intense Montreal snowstorm, telling himself that if he makes it, all will be made right. I've lived this, I've done this exact thing, sometimes for my transness, other times just for my "otherness", and it struck me to see someone else having had that same line of though, knowing that this movie is in most part a true story (Nat has met the writer, so jealous!). Amazing stuff. Anyway, if you want to be touched, to laugh, cry, find this movie..... the only downside is that it is in (Quebecois) French which makes it a bit less accessible, but the subtitles are excellent (please don't watch it dubbed).
Ok, Dawn's shitty review done, back to what I wanted to chat about.
I told my therapist today about something I haven't talked about in a while.... doubt.
I know I'm transitioning, lets face it, it's happening, the days of being wishy washy about it, and trying to find that mythical middle path are behind me now, no more wasting time. But here's the thing.... late at night, when I've had a few, sitting in the dark playing a videogame, or watching Netflix, and my mind starts wandering, and I start questioning myself. What am I doing?, seriously?, I'm going to take hormones, grow boobs and hopefully hips, I want my face to change?, I've already lasered off my beard? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?11111
*pant pant pant*
But it usually passes, and it doesn't show up in the daytime, and is absolutely the last thing on my mind when I'm presenting femme, and if Becca wasn't asleep beside me and we were talking, I wouldn't think of it, and aside from these little late night doubt moments, I cannot wait to start hormones, hell, I'm even looking forward to transitioning at work, who the hell says that?.
We talked about it for a while, and well, what I'm feeling is kind of like having cold feet before a big life decision. She asked me how I had felt before other *big* things, like buying a house, getting married, graduating, or even being accepted to university, and I never really felt this type of doubt or uncertainty about any of those situations, and I believe the reason is that I had always assumed that those things would happen. They were certainties, they always had been. Sure I felt some stress during some, but since I knew I had to get through them, I just put my head down and went through. Transitioning on the other hand, well, I could drop it, throw everything away, the clothes, makeup, dreams, therapist, tell everyone that it was a mistake, etc. My friends would understand, people would still love me, life would go on, not the life I'd want, but it would be a life, barring potential future suicide attempts that seem to plague trans folk. This isn't inevitable, I could potentially survive not transitioning.... yes I realize it would be a shell of a life, truly one of survival, not one of living.... but regardless.... the fact that I could still survive makes this a choice to me.
and where there is choice, there is doubt.
...or something like that
don't worry, I'm still making the right choice
During the writing of this post I ended up having a lovely conversation with (dangit, what name did I assign her?... ah yes) Louise via Skype and now I'm up wayyyy past my bedtime and I'm supposed to go to the office tomorrow, and as a consequence I completely forgot the other thing I wanted to talk about, oh well, till next time happy shiny people
And there was much rejoicing....
yaaaayyyyyyyy
And now for something completely different.
I have two competing things bouncing around in my head right now that I'd like to get out on (virtual) paper, so of course, I'm going to first talk about something completely unrelated to both of those. Has anyone out there heard of or seen the movie called C.R.A.Z.Y??, you HAVE to see it. The story itself is nothing particularily new, a coming of age story of a young gay man, from birth to early 20's, set starting in the 60's. It shows his birth, how different he was as a child compared to his 3 older brothers, how his father saw this softness early in him and started a war against it, again, the story is one that anyone interested in the GLBT (or is queer themselves) world has heard of time and time again, but the execution in this was gorgeous. I want to gush and gush, but I absolutely suck at describing why a movie touched me so much, I just know that it did. I may not be gay, but my story has tons of parallels with Zac's, there is a scene in which he is on his bike, holding his asthma inhaler, cursing his shortness of breath and he gives himself a challenge, an impossible one, to make it through the upcoming intersection on a red light with his eyes closed, and he tells himself that if he makes it, it means that he has beat his curse (the asthma is used as a metaphor for his homosexuality often throughout the movie). He repeats this godly challenge to himself later on, daring himself to walk home through an intense Montreal snowstorm, telling himself that if he makes it, all will be made right. I've lived this, I've done this exact thing, sometimes for my transness, other times just for my "otherness", and it struck me to see someone else having had that same line of though, knowing that this movie is in most part a true story (Nat has met the writer, so jealous!). Amazing stuff. Anyway, if you want to be touched, to laugh, cry, find this movie..... the only downside is that it is in (Quebecois) French which makes it a bit less accessible, but the subtitles are excellent (please don't watch it dubbed).
Ok, Dawn's shitty review done, back to what I wanted to chat about.
I told my therapist today about something I haven't talked about in a while.... doubt.
I know I'm transitioning, lets face it, it's happening, the days of being wishy washy about it, and trying to find that mythical middle path are behind me now, no more wasting time. But here's the thing.... late at night, when I've had a few, sitting in the dark playing a videogame, or watching Netflix, and my mind starts wandering, and I start questioning myself. What am I doing?, seriously?, I'm going to take hormones, grow boobs and hopefully hips, I want my face to change?, I've already lasered off my beard? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?11111
*pant pant pant*
But it usually passes, and it doesn't show up in the daytime, and is absolutely the last thing on my mind when I'm presenting femme, and if Becca wasn't asleep beside me and we were talking, I wouldn't think of it, and aside from these little late night doubt moments, I cannot wait to start hormones, hell, I'm even looking forward to transitioning at work, who the hell says that?.
We talked about it for a while, and well, what I'm feeling is kind of like having cold feet before a big life decision. She asked me how I had felt before other *big* things, like buying a house, getting married, graduating, or even being accepted to university, and I never really felt this type of doubt or uncertainty about any of those situations, and I believe the reason is that I had always assumed that those things would happen. They were certainties, they always had been. Sure I felt some stress during some, but since I knew I had to get through them, I just put my head down and went through. Transitioning on the other hand, well, I could drop it, throw everything away, the clothes, makeup, dreams, therapist, tell everyone that it was a mistake, etc. My friends would understand, people would still love me, life would go on, not the life I'd want, but it would be a life, barring potential future suicide attempts that seem to plague trans folk. This isn't inevitable, I could potentially survive not transitioning.... yes I realize it would be a shell of a life, truly one of survival, not one of living.... but regardless.... the fact that I could still survive makes this a choice to me.
and where there is choice, there is doubt.
...or something like that
don't worry, I'm still making the right choice
During the writing of this post I ended up having a lovely conversation with (dangit, what name did I assign her?... ah yes) Louise via Skype and now I'm up wayyyy past my bedtime and I'm supposed to go to the office tomorrow, and as a consequence I completely forgot the other thing I wanted to talk about, oh well, till next time happy shiny people
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