I've been telling myself all day I should write something down, as usual, a ton has happened in the past week, some good, most bad, oof. It just feels that lately my writing has been alot of whining, and I hate whining, I hate whiners, fuck I'm doing it right now.
***shakes head vigorously***
***thinks how weird it still feels to have earrings sometimes, like when you shake your head and your earlobes are lagging behind due to the added weight and I wonder if thats going to stretch out my holes more and I should really stop thinking about stupid stuff like this I mean seriously!***
okay... back to business
Remember a few posts when I talked about sitting down with the parents in law, and how things went well and maybe I should have told them earlier?.... yyyeeeeaaahhhhh.... no, that would *not* have been a good idea.
As it turns out, a few days after I tell them, they tell Shirley's mom about it. Shirley is Becca's cousin, and someone I've known since I was 16, and her mother also considers me part of the family. And yes, while I do love the woman, she is a bit of a nutcase, not someone I'd take parenting advice from if you know what I mean (and I think you do!). They both freaked out together, the mom calls Shirley and blames her for everything, why didn't she tell them about me?, how could she have permitted Becca to date me?, ya know, real nice and compassionate stuff like that. Becca went to see them and her father could barely look at her, barking everything at her, her mother in tears, saying horrible shit like why don't I flood myself with testosterone to make these feelings go away (a woman with 30 years in nursing and who knows about transsexuality should know better), how could she have dated me, all fantastic supportive stuff right out of the 50's. So now I'm not welcome in their home, they said I would never be if I presented feminine... well... guess what.... that means who I am is not welcome period. Becca is devastated by their reaction, and while I know I can't blame myself for all of it, of course I do, how can I not. I see the sadness in Becca's eyes constantly now, neither of us will be able to keep this up for too much longer I don't think.
Keeping my fingers crossed for her therapy to go well, and for her to get along with the therapist. 5 days away now....
I mentioned above that good stuff happened as well eh?, enough whining, lets get to that now.
When you come out to somebody, they often feel honored, like you are taking them into your confidence, you are telling them you trust them. I kinda feel bad when I say "well, most people know by now", lol. Regardless, I've found that quite a few people have come out to me because all of a sudden, they felt that much safer around me. Now, I'm not saying that I helped out a bunch of closeted gays and lesbians, although I have had a couple of confessions of "I'm actually bi.... only accepting it recently... could be gay, not sure", I've learned about peoples financial issues, relationship issues, sexual issues, personal emotional issues, things which many of them have not told a soul before in their lives. As usual, when you get anything big and heavy off your chest you feel better, and I've helped alot of old and new friends deal with their own stuff, even if its just listening to them talk.
While telling one specific old friend, Tanya (totally awesome brainy chick (and hot :P)), and pointing her to read Nat's Rocky Horror post, she made a very poignant comment
"More articles like this need to be written"
I read that as "more stories like this need to be told", which is I'm sure what she was implying, and its true, they do. We all have our demons, we all have our filters, the things we hold back, the things we're scared of, anxious of, worrying about (usually for nothing), and if we just talked more, opened up more, trusted each other more (and judged a little less), things would be so much easier for all of us, for people in general. Never once has it happened where someone opened up to me, and then come to regret it later. I've heard the phrase "I've never told that to anyone before" more times than I can count throughout my life, and never once has it been a mistake for them to open up.
People, tell your stories, tell your fears, talk more, and always listen to those who are trying to find their voices.
..... ok, didn't see this post going in this direction, I was going to talk about the awesome support I've been getting lately from friends, but whatever, that will be for another time, good place to end, so.
Wednesday 21 November 2012
Wednesday 14 November 2012
Introspection....
What am I getting myself into?
My emotions have been all over the place lately, understandable sure, but its still a tough ride. I’m switching between “what the fuck are you doing?!” and “I want my anti-androgens / injections / name change now noW nOW NOW NOW!!!!!”.
I’m picturing myself as a woman, well, as a trans woman, ok, not quite right, a person who will appear as though they wish to be addressed as a woman and accepted as a woman but is…. something else. After all, while transsexuality is definitely a hot topic right now, the vast majority of people have never given it more than a few moments of thought. Even here in liberal, cosmopolitan, open and friendly Montreal, I find myself giving Trans 101 lessons to random folks fairly often, sometimes its friends, other times it’s the lady at the counter who is just oh so interested in me. I’m not complaining mind you, I love educating and sharing my story, but it is a constant reminder that I will be, once this is all over, still considered as something “other”, something “different”, something of a curiosity.
It’s a scary thought… and I’m starting to really understand down to my core the attractiveness of going stealth.
Even if I never have a truly negative experience, I never get assaulted, I never get harassed, I never feel discrimination, things work out with Becca and I, or alternatively, they don’t and I actually manage to find another to love me as much as I love them, even if all this “good” stuff happens and none of the “bad” stuff ever happens…. that look of curiosity, surprise, confusion, just the fact that the look is there will be something that I may have to live with for the rest of my life. Even those that treat me wonderfully, make no pronoun mistakes, they still have that look in their eyes at first, and lets face it, 95% of people that we interact with don’t actually know us as people, they’re never given the time to learn about who you actually are. They see a man, they put the man in a little box in their mind filled with assumptions about what a man of that look / age / style / race / etc actually are and treat them as such, and barring outright racism or classism or sexism, the result is usually fine for those little encounters. Same thing when someone sees a woman…. but when someone sees a transsexual?, they don’t know what assumptions to make, they don’t know how to fit a person like me into one of those ‘boxes’, its clear to people like me, that they don’t know what to do.
Again, I’m not complaining that they don’t know, we are still a relatively new phenomenon when it comes to mass exposure and education about what we are (of course I realize that trans folk have always been a part of the human story, but we don’t have an automatic part in this society like the Two Spirit folk would in Native American societies), and I am happy to teach, but will this become my job?, will I be explaining myself to people the rest of my life?, can I handle that level of scrutiny, and, possibly, judgement?.
I’ve been looking at myself in the mirror a lot lately, looking for Dawn when I wake up, when I get out of the shower. Sometimes I see her, strangely enough, I see her a lot more clearly when I smile (happy girl, sad boy, happy girl, sad boy, lol), but often I just see a sad looking man. I know makeup will make him vanish and bring her out, but the makeup won’t always be there, I will interact with people, as a woman, with my naked face, and how will that feel?, what will that look be that they give me, my male face, and my female body. My first laser hair removal session is coming up fast and I have to admit I’m scared, partly because this is the first really permanent step I’m taking, and my beard was an enormous part of my male identity for a large part of my life. I’m also scared because I really want the removal to (a) go well, (b) not leave me with scars or pigmentation problems, and the real reason, (c), that it may not make a damn difference in the feminization of my face, or of my look. When I look for Dawn in the mirror in the mornings, I can see her in my eyes, I can see her in my smile, in the lines my face takes when I smile, but the jaw, the stubble, the shadow destroys her image. I’ve put very high hopes on what this procedure will do for me, and maybe I’m simply scared of it letting me down.
I just got off the phone, my laser appointment was supposed to be next Tuesday (6 days away), now, its in 24 hours…..
…. And that’s strange…. I’m feeling less scared.... apprehensive yes.... its difficult to explain
I used to feel often that this whole thing was a boulder I had to strain against to make any headway, now I almost feel like the boulder is getting away from me and I need to slow it down, like I’m being taken on a ride. I think of actually starting hormones, and that could be as soon as 6 months away. I think about my body changing, right now I’m looking at doing my social transition after my body has caught up a bit, basically, when I can’t hide my new body anymore….that could be only 12 to 18 months away, and at this age, a year and a half is nothing, that goes by in the blink of an eye. So in less than 2 years, Dawn may be walking into the office.
Feels far away, but it’s not, it’s right around the corner, it’s essentially here.
Am I ready?
My emotions have been all over the place lately, understandable sure, but its still a tough ride. I’m switching between “what the fuck are you doing?!” and “I want my anti-androgens / injections / name change now noW nOW NOW NOW!!!!!”.
I’m picturing myself as a woman, well, as a trans woman, ok, not quite right, a person who will appear as though they wish to be addressed as a woman and accepted as a woman but is…. something else. After all, while transsexuality is definitely a hot topic right now, the vast majority of people have never given it more than a few moments of thought. Even here in liberal, cosmopolitan, open and friendly Montreal, I find myself giving Trans 101 lessons to random folks fairly often, sometimes its friends, other times it’s the lady at the counter who is just oh so interested in me. I’m not complaining mind you, I love educating and sharing my story, but it is a constant reminder that I will be, once this is all over, still considered as something “other”, something “different”, something of a curiosity.
It’s a scary thought… and I’m starting to really understand down to my core the attractiveness of going stealth.
Even if I never have a truly negative experience, I never get assaulted, I never get harassed, I never feel discrimination, things work out with Becca and I, or alternatively, they don’t and I actually manage to find another to love me as much as I love them, even if all this “good” stuff happens and none of the “bad” stuff ever happens…. that look of curiosity, surprise, confusion, just the fact that the look is there will be something that I may have to live with for the rest of my life. Even those that treat me wonderfully, make no pronoun mistakes, they still have that look in their eyes at first, and lets face it, 95% of people that we interact with don’t actually know us as people, they’re never given the time to learn about who you actually are. They see a man, they put the man in a little box in their mind filled with assumptions about what a man of that look / age / style / race / etc actually are and treat them as such, and barring outright racism or classism or sexism, the result is usually fine for those little encounters. Same thing when someone sees a woman…. but when someone sees a transsexual?, they don’t know what assumptions to make, they don’t know how to fit a person like me into one of those ‘boxes’, its clear to people like me, that they don’t know what to do.
Again, I’m not complaining that they don’t know, we are still a relatively new phenomenon when it comes to mass exposure and education about what we are (of course I realize that trans folk have always been a part of the human story, but we don’t have an automatic part in this society like the Two Spirit folk would in Native American societies), and I am happy to teach, but will this become my job?, will I be explaining myself to people the rest of my life?, can I handle that level of scrutiny, and, possibly, judgement?.
I’ve been looking at myself in the mirror a lot lately, looking for Dawn when I wake up, when I get out of the shower. Sometimes I see her, strangely enough, I see her a lot more clearly when I smile (happy girl, sad boy, happy girl, sad boy, lol), but often I just see a sad looking man. I know makeup will make him vanish and bring her out, but the makeup won’t always be there, I will interact with people, as a woman, with my naked face, and how will that feel?, what will that look be that they give me, my male face, and my female body. My first laser hair removal session is coming up fast and I have to admit I’m scared, partly because this is the first really permanent step I’m taking, and my beard was an enormous part of my male identity for a large part of my life. I’m also scared because I really want the removal to (a) go well, (b) not leave me with scars or pigmentation problems, and the real reason, (c), that it may not make a damn difference in the feminization of my face, or of my look. When I look for Dawn in the mirror in the mornings, I can see her in my eyes, I can see her in my smile, in the lines my face takes when I smile, but the jaw, the stubble, the shadow destroys her image. I’ve put very high hopes on what this procedure will do for me, and maybe I’m simply scared of it letting me down.
I just got off the phone, my laser appointment was supposed to be next Tuesday (6 days away), now, its in 24 hours…..
…. And that’s strange…. I’m feeling less scared.... apprehensive yes.... its difficult to explain
I used to feel often that this whole thing was a boulder I had to strain against to make any headway, now I almost feel like the boulder is getting away from me and I need to slow it down, like I’m being taken on a ride. I think of actually starting hormones, and that could be as soon as 6 months away. I think about my body changing, right now I’m looking at doing my social transition after my body has caught up a bit, basically, when I can’t hide my new body anymore….that could be only 12 to 18 months away, and at this age, a year and a half is nothing, that goes by in the blink of an eye. So in less than 2 years, Dawn may be walking into the office.
Feels far away, but it’s not, it’s right around the corner, it’s essentially here.
Am I ready?
Wednesday 7 November 2012
Support
Even through all of this crazy stuff that has been going on, I've still been telling people about me. My day to day friends all know, and so far have all been pretty great about everything. I spent a day out with an old girl-friend shopping, first time she had met Dawn, and to say it was comfortable would be understating it, it felt as though this was how it had always been, she said the same thing, feels pretty great.
I surprised one of my Cegep* friends when I finally caught her on facebook, nothing but thumbs up. Got a few more I want to tell as well.
Earlier this year when I spent a month on the other side of the country, Becca came out to visit me for a few days and we got to get together with another old girl-friend of mine Rachel, her husband and son, and her mom Louise. Rachel and I were very close for a while as tween / teens, we used to sneak cigarettes under the bridge in the little town we lived in, sitting there for hours chatting, and more than that, Louise really took me into their home and made me feel welcome when things for me at my own home were going pretty badly. I have alot of great memories hanging out in Rachel's room listening to music, she used to love brushing and fiddling with the long hair I used to have, playing cards with the family, and just feeling like it was a home. It was great to see them again, and I really wanted to tell them about myself, but at the same time I didn't want to make the whole evening about me. So long story short, I caught Louise online earlier this week and let her know, and a few days after managed to catch Rachel online as well and filled her in, Louise had agreed to let me tell her. The words that she wrote to me felt like a big warm hug, like I was back in their living room listening to Garth Brooks (yes, she got me to appreciate one of his albums, lol). Rachel as well was full of support, lots of love, and she even knew a couple of trans-men in her previous city, and a girl-friend of hers is writing a thesis on a trans subject.
On my way into the building today, the security guard (gorgeous girl, chatted with her for years, outed myself to her ... wow.... six years ago?, holy crap) stops me and just gives me what I can only refer to as a speech. She tells me to keep my chin up, that I know what I have to do, I can't let being worried about hurting Becca hold me back from what I need to do to be at peace with myself, that I'm beautiful and that even if things don't work out with Becca and I, that Becca will be OK, she'll be happy, and that I'll find love again because I'm a wonderful person. I mean, wow, wtf, lol. I know that she is in a dark place right now, and missing her boyfriend who is on the other side of the planet, and she just shot that out at me today. Love her.
Out of the blue today, another old friend from Ottawa messaged me, haven't talked to them in at least 4 years. I had actually told her about me being a CD'er a while ago, right after my first pride outing, so I filled her in to where I am now, no surprise, full support, big thumbs up, knows a trans-man which is pretty cool. Is it just me, or are we popping up just everywhere these days?
Of course there are my friends who have known and been with me since the beginning (being 2k6 for starting to come out), I've been reconnecting with them on this level, and they were there for me, just waiting for me to be ready to talk about it again. I spent some time with a very good girl-friend of mine and her hubby (who I've known for ever) en femme a short while ago, full support, they accept me no matter what.
There was also the acceptance that I experienced a couple nights ago from my parents in law, begrudging sure, but being trans was never really the issue, just the effect that it is having on Becca. My sister as well, while so bloody busy that she still hasn't 'met' me, has been just great and I love her for it.
There has been one other constant in all of this support, which is concern for Becca. Everyone asks about her, wants to know how she feels about everything, how she is coping and if we are going to continue together, and I love that. I tell Becca about it sometimes, and I let her know that these people are there for her to talk to if she needs to, after all, many of them are "our" friends as much as they are "my" friends, but she has trouble doing so. Along with all of the concern for her, there is another key aspect to it all, no one is blaming me for it, no one has told me "why can't you just ignore this and push it away and have a normal life?", no one has questioned the legitimacy of my needs, of who I am. They offer compassion and support in getting through this situation in one piece and happy, the both of us, they don't suggest that it can be avoided. I love all of you for that.
Way to go straight people!. I do love my trans circle, and they do offer me wonderful support as well, but one can't live their lives hiding away from the 9x% of the rest of you all, and I wouldn't want to either!.
Oh, before I forget, Becca has something lined up with a highly qualified therapist in a few days, so keeping my fingers crossed, and yay!.
So I guess that's it for now, good night everyone, and thank you
* Cegep is a Quebec school system anomaly, its a separate school between high school (ends at grade 11) and University. You're usually between the ages of 17 to 20 there, 21 for the kids doing the 3 year "straight-to-work-no-university" programs.
I surprised one of my Cegep* friends when I finally caught her on facebook, nothing but thumbs up. Got a few more I want to tell as well.
Earlier this year when I spent a month on the other side of the country, Becca came out to visit me for a few days and we got to get together with another old girl-friend of mine Rachel, her husband and son, and her mom Louise. Rachel and I were very close for a while as tween / teens, we used to sneak cigarettes under the bridge in the little town we lived in, sitting there for hours chatting, and more than that, Louise really took me into their home and made me feel welcome when things for me at my own home were going pretty badly. I have alot of great memories hanging out in Rachel's room listening to music, she used to love brushing and fiddling with the long hair I used to have, playing cards with the family, and just feeling like it was a home. It was great to see them again, and I really wanted to tell them about myself, but at the same time I didn't want to make the whole evening about me. So long story short, I caught Louise online earlier this week and let her know, and a few days after managed to catch Rachel online as well and filled her in, Louise had agreed to let me tell her. The words that she wrote to me felt like a big warm hug, like I was back in their living room listening to Garth Brooks (yes, she got me to appreciate one of his albums, lol). Rachel as well was full of support, lots of love, and she even knew a couple of trans-men in her previous city, and a girl-friend of hers is writing a thesis on a trans subject.
On my way into the building today, the security guard (gorgeous girl, chatted with her for years, outed myself to her ... wow.... six years ago?, holy crap) stops me and just gives me what I can only refer to as a speech. She tells me to keep my chin up, that I know what I have to do, I can't let being worried about hurting Becca hold me back from what I need to do to be at peace with myself, that I'm beautiful and that even if things don't work out with Becca and I, that Becca will be OK, she'll be happy, and that I'll find love again because I'm a wonderful person. I mean, wow, wtf, lol. I know that she is in a dark place right now, and missing her boyfriend who is on the other side of the planet, and she just shot that out at me today. Love her.
Out of the blue today, another old friend from Ottawa messaged me, haven't talked to them in at least 4 years. I had actually told her about me being a CD'er a while ago, right after my first pride outing, so I filled her in to where I am now, no surprise, full support, big thumbs up, knows a trans-man which is pretty cool. Is it just me, or are we popping up just everywhere these days?
Of course there are my friends who have known and been with me since the beginning (being 2k6 for starting to come out), I've been reconnecting with them on this level, and they were there for me, just waiting for me to be ready to talk about it again. I spent some time with a very good girl-friend of mine and her hubby (who I've known for ever) en femme a short while ago, full support, they accept me no matter what.
There was also the acceptance that I experienced a couple nights ago from my parents in law, begrudging sure, but being trans was never really the issue, just the effect that it is having on Becca. My sister as well, while so bloody busy that she still hasn't 'met' me, has been just great and I love her for it.
There has been one other constant in all of this support, which is concern for Becca. Everyone asks about her, wants to know how she feels about everything, how she is coping and if we are going to continue together, and I love that. I tell Becca about it sometimes, and I let her know that these people are there for her to talk to if she needs to, after all, many of them are "our" friends as much as they are "my" friends, but she has trouble doing so. Along with all of the concern for her, there is another key aspect to it all, no one is blaming me for it, no one has told me "why can't you just ignore this and push it away and have a normal life?", no one has questioned the legitimacy of my needs, of who I am. They offer compassion and support in getting through this situation in one piece and happy, the both of us, they don't suggest that it can be avoided. I love all of you for that.
Way to go straight people!. I do love my trans circle, and they do offer me wonderful support as well, but one can't live their lives hiding away from the 9x% of the rest of you all, and I wouldn't want to either!.
Oh, before I forget, Becca has something lined up with a highly qualified therapist in a few days, so keeping my fingers crossed, and yay!.
So I guess that's it for now, good night everyone, and thank you
* Cegep is a Quebec school system anomaly, its a separate school between high school (ends at grade 11) and University. You're usually between the ages of 17 to 20 there, 21 for the kids doing the 3 year "straight-to-work-no-university" programs.
Tuesday 6 November 2012
What a couple weeks......
This easily ranks up there with one of the best couple weeks of my life, and one of the worst....
Since the 25th I've:
Reconnected with an old friend, one of those people that may not have been there for long, but they made a huge impact on your life, and have their own little place reserved just for them in your heart. Quick in and out at a mall, walk down to a cool little Korean place, dinner, as if the past 20 years just weren't there. Felt great, comfortable. She doesn't know that going to well lit sit down restaurants while en femme (and not in the village) is very new to me, and one of those things I'm actually quite scared of and I've only done once before. Didn't let it show, shoulders back, tits out, get it done, never gave it a second thought. Wonderful conversation, made plans to see Rocky, relived the old, discussed the new, things with Becca and I, her and her wonderful Greek. She told me on the way back to the car that I too was an important person to her in her life, after all, we were 14 when we met, those are long and memorable years, I was the first 'guy' she was ever friends with.... she looks at me a little crooked.... 'well, maybe you weren't eh?', heh.
We're walking along the street, this travelling musician (i.e., some older dude wandering down the sidewalk holding and strumming an acoustic) walks by us... we hear strumming from a ways behind.... two cute young things pass ahead of us quickly being cute young and giggly, you know what I mean.... suddenly the strummer is back!, he passed by us again, strumming after them with a big dumb grin on his face. Ahhh, Montreal..... but why did I write all this?, here's the cool and slightly surreal part. Nat* and I have "our song", and in all honesty, none of my girlfriends (of the romantic variety) have ever been music nerds like I am and Nat was (tut tut tut), so she is the only person out there that I even HAVE a song with. And our weird Mr Strummer came right on by strumming out the opening bars to just that very song, Pink Floyd's Wish You Were Here.
Seriously disappointed and upset Becca due to me being blind to her needs and all in all, pretty selfish. I was on a high again, and it had been such a long time, and I let my needs get in front of a serious need of hers. The shittiest thing is that it was such an amazing time for me, and such a terrible time for her.... and I made it worse. My therapist saw how much I was beating myself up over this and said that transitioners kind of have to be a bit selfish, 'yeah, but not like that' I replied, she dropped it, I was right.
Becca told her mother the truth about me.
Had an amazing girls night out with Becca, Nat, and Isabelle at Rocky.
Was told by Becca that she wants a divorce.
Played pretend in front of the family, yes all is good, la la la la.
Nat posted an entry on one of her blogs about me and our outing to Rocky, which I've read oh, at least 15 times now. Yes she writes beautifully and I've always enjoyed her work (did I mention she's a journalist?, pretty cool eh? :), but there is something pretty amazing seeing someone else write about me and my journey in their own words. It really feels like a gift to me, if you're interested please click here.
Becca and I talked and talked and talked and talked
She's still having no luck finding a therapist, its getting frustrating....
She decides that she can do it, she can handle starting a family and watch me transition and go on with life together.... I look in her eyes.... neither of us believe it
I cried through most of my therapy session..... still felt good
Visited my inlaws on the way home to talk. It hurt. They don't blame me for being trans, I felt more love and understanding from them in an instant than I have from my own mother over all of this, they're just sad for Becca. Things slipped out a couple of times, I know that her mom is mad at me, she knows she can't really blame me for being this way, but she is still hurt, her children truly are her life. And them being who they are, they truly do consider me one of their own children and always have, yet it took this for me to finally feel it, I feel so stupid, so ungrateful. I think what scares them the most is us separating, me going off to find a husband, and just Becca being sad. Leaving Becca was never a goal in my mind, it was the biggest price of all that I may one day have to pay in order to find my true peace, and its one I still may have to pay in order for her to find hers.
Between sobs, I asked them if they would accept me, accept us, if we were able to stay together and I transitioned..... they looked at me almost surprised, both of them did, and I could read it in an instant that NOT accepting me, had never once crossed their minds. Her father looked at me, and he was having trouble looking at me up to that point, and said "we just want you to be honest".....
Fuck me, was that one of the biggest mistakes of them all, waiting until the end to tell them, not doing it at the beginning?..... that never crossed my mind up until now.
I started off by saying that this was one of the best and one of the worst couple weeks in my life..... but after re-reading this before posting it, I realized something...... yes alot of tough stuff happened, and yes, I guess Becca and me may not even last the year, and this was all spurned on by the events of the past year, now culminating in this final end game (dramatic much?), but there isn't anything actually bad here. I'm trans, simple as that, yes I'm almost 35, and hell yes I should have dealt with this ten years ago, but if I don't deal with it now, when?, 45?, 55?, fuck... no.
'night
* I'm breaking my own rule at using a real name, as I'm linking to a blog she participates in, and her real name is there, not much point in masking it here.
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